Truly Pathetic

I had to go as far as to change my phone number to get P to leave me alone, and less than a week later he took it upon himself to LOG IN TO MY XBOX ACCOUNT AND CHANGE MY PASSWORD. So now, I can’t log in. That’s HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS in games that he’s taken from me.

All because he can’t get over the fact that I left him and he pushed me so far off the edge that I never want anything to do with him again.

Fucking petty. I’m livid. All I do is work, take care of my girls, and play games. Now I can’t even play half of the fucking games I own because they were all bought digitally FROM THAT ACCOUNT.

 

 

2 Drafts

Over the past two days. I’ve been wanting to write and update on my life, but I just haven’t really found the words. Eventually, I just give up and close the window.

I gave K the opportunity a little over a week ago to explain herself. She had been texting me nonstop, begging for a chance to redeem herself because, and I quote, “You (as in me) have been nothing but a good friend to me, please give me the chance to reciprocate that.” So I picked her up and we drove around to talk. As soon as she got in the car, she was thanking me and apologizing to me all at once. She was bawling her eyes out as she confessed how deeply she had been fucking up. She wasn’t lying just to me, she was lying to everyone closest to her, and she was lying to herself. She was hurting her friends and her family and she was hating herself more as she continued to make terrible choices.

Then she asked me to help her. She said she knows she’s better than this and she can see that I know she’s better than this.  I took her to my house for a few days to get away from the shitty people she had been hanging around and so she had time to recuperate before she had to face the music and talk to her father about everything that had been going on. I watched her get clear-headed for the first time in what must have been a month at least. I talked to her and shared in her excitement to finally be moving forward. And I told her, sternly, that I will only help her out as long as I continue to see this mindset from her.

I’m still trying to allow myself to trust her completely, but all things take time. She is the best friend I’ve had in a while and, if we’re being honest, I’ve been fucked over worse by people who got second chances they sure as hell didn’t deserve. I just draw the line from now on, I won’t be forgiving if anything like this happens again.

Work has been insane. Out of nowhere, I started feeling tensions rise between the front desk and the back. One of the therapists we had gave us her two week notice and the last few days she was here, she got into it with my assistant manager. They were in the break room screaming at each other. It was so unprofessional. I guess after that therapist left, she decided she was going to stir up more shit and called the owner of our store to divulge information about the assistant manager. This information she revealed led to my assistant manager getting fired. Which has led to me being the most knowledgeable about the front desk (aside from the store manager), which means I’ve been working nonstop. Good for my wallet, but I haven’t been given a raise or anything though and the longer I stay here, the more I see how chaotic and unpleasant the environment tends to be. Maybe if I get more money, I can look past it.

I officially have one friend. 

It’s J. I don’t talk to him every day ’cause he’s not that type of person but it’s just him and my girls in my life now. 

K fucked me over. I had been spending so much time driving around and hanging out with her and she ended up lying to me and stealing my debit card. I locked it and ordered a new one. I’m done with people. 

I deleted my Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook for good. I don’t want anyone knowing my life or what I’m up to anymore. 

J actually wanted to hang out yesterday but I had to work. I told him about K and he just said he hopes that I learned a lesson about trusting people and that nobody is special. He’s right. I was dumb. I could sense she had been lying to me about stuff but because I want to believe people are good, I looked past it. I should have known better. 

Here’s to a lonely life. Better than continuing to get fucked over. 

Shit Storm

That’s the only accurate term I can find to reflect how the past few days have been.

My friend K and I live about thirty minutes away from each other and neither of our houses are really places that we feel comfortable hanging out at. It’s just…awkward. She lives with her parents and well, I live with my uncle now. It just doesn’t feel like we can relax. Anyway, we decided to meet up at P’s house. He had offered to install the new car stereo I had gotten the day before and then ended up getting drunk later in the evening and stumbling and making a complete ass of himself, as always. So I was just ignoring all the messages he had been sending to me. I was cordial with him while K and I were meeting up. Then we got in my car and went to grab lunch. P ended up going bar hopping and blowing up my phone (his friend blowing K’s phone up, because he likes her). K and I were trying to have a good time and we couldn’t because we knew they were just out drinking and most likely getting angry that we weren’t really responding to them.

K and I finished eating and went to run some errands and got back to the house before the guys did. We sat in the garage and talked. When we heard the guys pull up we basically prepared ourselves for some bullshit. P spent the next two hours insulting me. Calling me every name under the book. I just sat there and let him lash out at me without saying a word. There was a time when I would have fought back and I would have had him on the ground in tears with all the terrible things I could say. But I didn’t this time. I just let him continue to make a fool of himself.

When I finally left, I realized that I was absolutely finished. He wasn’t mad because I wasn’t responding to his messages. He was mad because I’m not with him. We can’t be friends. And I knew this. I sound like a broken record because I already said I was done but truthfully, I did absolutely nothing wrong and got yelled at for two fucking hours. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I had a million apology messages. He was begging me to come over so we could have a one on one conversation about it. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I told him.

I think there is plenty to talk about, T. Please just listen to me for one second.
“Nope. This is over. We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be together. And it’s clear we can’t be anything without there being issues so we are nothing. How it should have been. How it will be.”
You just flipped the script. Everything was fine the day before. (Referring to the day he installed my stereo; He clearly forgot he was being a fucking drunk moron. The shit I’ve been trying to stay away from.
” Don’t worry about explaining yourself. Like you said last night, I said I was done with you four months ago so why am I still here?”
All I wanted to do was be cool with you and that’s all I’ve tried to do. But I can’t walk on eggshells anymore. (I laughed as I read this. Everything’s ‘cool’ until he starts getting some liquid courage and starts pissing everyone off.
This conversation is over. You said what you wanted to say to me last night. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m not going to be around you anymore. Bye.

Everything he said to me that night wasn’t anything he hasn’t said before. But all those other times I retaliated. To have someone just tear you down like that for multiple hours is almost sickening. I was so sluggish for a day or two after that. It was just a lot to have replay over in my head. I was hurt but I was more mad at myself for continuing to be around him knowing that it never ends well. I really beat myself up for doing that.

And then K went with me to get a tattoo. I’ve been wanting another one for literal years now. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I’m so pleased with what I got too! It’s Ariel and Flounder from The Little Mermaid but they’re cute looking zombies. It’s my favorite piece so far. I figured I had the extra cash and I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

I’ve got three tattoos now. And I realized when I was waiting to go to my appointment for this last one that I always get a tattoo in a time of transition. I guess this one marks the end of P. For real.

 

!!!

I logged in to my bank account to see how much money I had to put in my gas tank and apparently my tax refund was deposited today!! 

Safe to say I’ll be able to fill my tank up. After all the stress I was put through this week, that was a very pleasant surprise. 

Anxious

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that my anxiety had been through the roof this past week. My nails, that I polish on purpose so they’ll grow long, have been bitten down so far that some of my fingers are bleeding. I bit through the nail and that polish and I really didn’t care about how awful the taste was. Typing on this computer is actually hurting my fingers because they’re so sore. I just repolished them in hopes that they’ll grow quickly and it’ll take attention off the cuticle wounds.

My face, only the right side, has been breaking out. I’ve had the past couple of days off so I haven’t put any makeup on hoping my face will clear up. I’ve got mountains on the side of my face, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to mess with them. It’ll just make my face worse.

I’m sure at some point I let you guys know that my girls’ biological father was put in jail. That took place on this past Black Friday. Possession of a controlled substance, theft, criminal trespassing, and credit card abuse. About a month ago, he was released. He was given time served, from what I had been told, and was moving in with his father so he would be able to travel with him to work. I received this message from him at the beginning of the week:

I’m writing verbatim, so please excuse the typos and/or lack of punctuation.

“I wanted to apologize for our past I don’t expect the same from u but I want u to know I don’t like the person I was nor would I ever want my daughters to know me as that person or follow in those footsteps. I did a lot of thinking in jail this last time n I want you to know that the things I did were wrong very wrong n even though I’ve said sorry before I think u deserve a genuine sober apology for once”

I was taken aback. I responded as politely and as honestly as I could.
I appreciate that. Never thought I’d ever actually get a sober apology honestly. It probably comes as no surprise that I have to keep my guard way up for now. 

And then I asked him what his plans were. I figured now that he has had some time to actually be sober and clear headed, he might actually have a vision for his future.

“I actually really enjoy how I feel sober I have my confidence back I’m in the best shape of my life. I actually have ambitions n goals n not just that but they’re clear as day. N I really want to be the right influence to my girls they are getting old enough now to know. N I don’t ever want them to see the evils I have seen. I’m living with my parents right now so I can save my money n pay my child support down. I heard about u n P. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorta going through something similar but I’m leavin it in God’s hands. But I hope your ok?”

I told him I’m fine but I really didn’t want to get in to it.

Then I got invited to a mutual friend’s daughter’s birthday party. I asked if he was going to be there, because I didn’t think I was ready to actually be in the same vicinity as him. Having my first somewhat civil conversation with him was one thing but actually being face to face with him after everything we went through would take some preparing for. She told me no, he was out on the oil field for work, and that I better be there. Her daughter was turning four and our girls get along well, I just try to keep my distance because I never knew if he was going to pop up.

Anyway, I get to the party and the girls immediately go out in the backyard to play. I see two kids that belonged to other mutual friends we had back before everything went to shit. Let’s just say, at one point they were my friends, but drugs change everything. Towards the end, they weren’t the people I had known, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So when I saw their kids, I felt my heart drop.

“Oh yeah, S & C are going to be here in a little bit. They said they’re running late. I hope that’s alright. I meant to tell you earlier but I was so busy trying to get everything ready for the party.”

I just nodded. What was I supposed to do? I always already here. Just suck it up for a couple hours of discomfort. I was here for a sweet, innocent child’s birthday. I just had to remind myself of that. The girls were having so much fun, it’s not like I could leave.

They actually showed up way later. They looked much better than the last time I saw them. I could see that they had cleaned up, but it was also apparent that the drug abuse had done some damage to his face before he had quit. Can it be permanently sunken in after consuming so much meth? That’s what it looked like.

They hugged me, said it was good to see me. Wanted to talk up the girls’ father. Talked about how great it was to see him in this mindset. Something none of us thought we would see. They told me about how much better their lives have been. How they’re finally finished dealing with CPS and how she’s got her dream job and he’s loving life as a stay-at-home dad.

My trust with these people has been gone for almost five years. But they did look much better and so much happier. I’m aware that people can change, it’s just hard to see that during your first encounter with someone following traumatic events. I saw them and I flashed back to being in my old apartment surrounded by so much pain and addiction.

After we left the party, I cried softly in the car on the way home. I made sure the girls couldn’t tell that I was crying, but I had to let something out. It was a lot for my heart and my mind to process. A lot to happen in less than a week. People from your dark past showing up all at once can take a toll on you.

I am still hoping for the best for all of them. Hoping they stay clean and out of trouble. Hoping that the girls never have to ask questions about where their dad is or what he’s doing. Hoping they never ask me why he doesn’t want to see them. Hoping he’ll be there for them. Finally.

Better late than never, right?

Words I Never Sent You, Part 2

My mom wasn’t the best mom. I’ve had fourteen years to come to terms with it. She was an addict. Way before I was even born, she was an addict. She couldn’t even tell me who my father was because she couldn’t remember anything about him. She stole my identity before I was even in middle school. Bought me CDs with a credit card that was in my name. Let my friends and I smoke cigarettes by the door of a hotel room that she had bought with a credit card that was, once again, in my name. I think she knew she was fucking up. I think she knew she was hurting us.

I was ten years old when I asked her why she was so angry all the time. She took my to my room in the very back of my grandmother’s house and did a few lines eight in front of me. She wanted to show me what he problem was. To scare me? I don’t know. What scared me was how she sat on the bed afterward and sang to me. She wouldn’t let me leave the room. She just made me sit there and watch her.

A couple of weeks later she showed up, banging on the back door. She had gone and gotten so fucked up that she couldn’t walk. She had collapsed on the ground and my grandma had to drag her inside and set her up against the kitchen cupboards. It was pouring rain. My grandmother said that she was just dehydrated and not to worry about it. My mother was trying to speak and she couldn’t seem to get a word out. My grandmother told her she had to leave the next day. There was a huge argument and the last time I remember seeing my mother she was yelling as she walked down the street, leaving just like my grandma had asked. Three days later she broke into my grandma’s house and took a handful of pills prescribed to her to try and frame her for murder. Not thinking about the massive amounts of meth already running through her system, she fucked herself up bad. She died on the table in the hospital.

These are the last memories I have of my mom. I have no texts from her to hold on to; Text messages weren’t even a thing yet. The last time I heard her voice, she was yelling in a voicemail telling my grandmother how terrible of a person she is for “keeping her away from her kids.” I found her jacket while cleaning out the girls’ closet a couple weeks ago. It was the first time I had held anything that was hers in over a decade.

I never wanted to be like her. Then I was 22 with two kids living with their dope fiend father and eventually partaking myself. The day I looked in the mirror and saw my mom was the day my kids got taken away from me. It was a huge slap in the face.

I could still be there but I’ve grown. I’ve moved forward. Left their dad, got my kids back, and never looked back.

I tried to build a life with someone who seemed right and turned out to be nothing like I expected. After trying to get him to listen to me, I gave up and tried another way. That was the first time I cheated on him.

When I met you, I didn’t want to cheat on him. I wanted you. I wanted to end it so we could do our own thing. But I got scared and fucked everything up.

So I’m still gonna grow and move forward towards a better version of myself. I have no need to lie anymore. Just know that.

And know that I’m here for you. I always will be. If you decide you want me around, you know where I am. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you mad. I really did want this. Want you. “The one” is a bullshit statement, if I wanted perfection I’d be holding out for a long time. We click, Mistah J. And you know it because you agreed the first time I brought it to your attention.

I know you’re out there and there’s things you gotta go through. Grief is ongoing and I didn’t want you to be as alone through it all. But if this is how you want it, then I’ll step away for you.

I’ll worry in silence from now on. I’ll miss you. I’ll be here if you ever decide you miss me.

Navigating my way through depression and life as a single mom.