Why?

*Before we begin, I’ll have to ask you to bear with me as I’m posting this from my daughter’s tablet. Our computer keyboard and mouse haven’t had batteries for weeks!*

I joined the blogging community two nights ago. My lack of posts isn’t due to a fear to blog, it’s due to an overload of memories and topics I want to get out of my head! Honestly, it’s been overwhelming. After a couple of days mulling it over I decided the most appropriate place to start, for me, is to answer the question, “Why?”

Why do I want to start this blog?

Answer one: THERAPY! Blogging, or journaling in general, is so therapeutic and easily one of the cheapest alternatives to regularly visiting a professional. Following my mother’s suicide, I was sent to every counselor, psychiatrist, and support group you could think of. I was almost always advised to keep a journal. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t. Even in the times I decided I was going to keep a journal, I held myself back from revealing my true thoughts for fear they would be read by my guardians and shared with my therapist. A mourning adolescent can be quite dramatic (with every right to be!); and while I felt that some days I would have been better off on “the other side” with my mom, I was smart enough to know if I actually wrote that down I could very well wake up in a mental institution for a while. However, as I grew older, keeping my emotions in landed me with clinical depression and crippling anxiety (a truly awful combination). I feel ready to finally conquer my illnesses, one post at a time.

Answer two:  I have stories to tell! Good, bad, and ugly. My head has been a lockbox of memories and- aside from the few I’ve shared to get a good score on the state test, whatever it’s called now- I have never been ready to share them. This is due mostly to the embarrassment and shame in the choices I have made. About a year ago, my eyes were opened and things just clicked; I knew why certain things had happened to me and why I made the choices I had made. What good is a revelation if you don’t share it?

Answer three: I have gotten almost TOO lazy with my writing. I couldn’t tell you the last thing I have written that was longer than a paragraph. I have allowed myself to be desensitized through social media (as most have) and, as a lover of the written word I find that unacceptable. I am ready to build my passion back up.

Answer four: I am hoping to keep track of some goals I want to set for myself. If I’m able to hold myself accountable through my blog, maybe I’ll see some improvement or at least take a step in the right direction!

Answer five: I really need to give my eyes a rest from mindlessly watching the television.

Answer six: Just as I was inspired by an old friend to start this blog, I hope I will be able to to inspire someone. And if not, at least I’ll have fun doing it!

Oh, and a bonus answer for you!: I recently had what can only be described as a “falling out” with a dear friend, someone I have considered my best friend for over a decade. I have found myself with no one to talk to, so I have chosen to talk to you!

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