The First Day of my Favorite Month

December is here! This means my birthday is in ten days, two weeks after that is Christmas, and four days after that is Paul’s birthday. While excited about upcoming events, I still find myself in bed waiting for an appropriate time to go back to sleep. 

It’s only a matter of days before my car gets taken back and we are left with no transportation. My girls have spent the week with my grandmother to make sure they get to school every day. I miss them and I so desperately wish I were just able to do what needs to be done with them without any obstacle stopping me, mental or not. 

I got a call for a job interview yesterday. I never called back to set up a time. Not because I didn’t want the job but because if I got it, I have no guarantee than I will be able to make it to work each day. I hate this. I’m spiraling  downward and though I’ve got one hand on the rope to pull me up, I feel like letting go and accepting my defeat is still an option. 

I put my wedding dress up for sale two days ago. We need money. I need to be able to give the girls a good Christmas, whether I’m employed or not. When I got a message from a potential buyer, my heart sank. I really wanted to walk down the aisle in this dress. I’ve never felt as beautiful as I did when I tried it on. It’s just material though. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that shit, and the truth is in Paul’s eye I could get married in a trash bag and still be the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. 

I’ve taken my meds every day this week. Not at the same time, but at least I’ve remembered to take them. Temporary has become such a permanent word for me. The pain I have? Temporary. The disapproval in my head? Temporary. My heaviness, fatigue, feeling like I won’t ever be out of this dark hole? Temporary. 

I’ve succumbed to a Netflix binge session. Keeping myself in someone else’s story reminds me that mine could be worse. We’re watching Between. Amazingly intriguing show about a virus that kills everyone in a small town over the age of 22. I guess I should just be happy I’m not in that town, right? 


13 thoughts on “The First Day of my Favorite Month”

      1. I totally get that. I would have disabled mine a long time ago but my non-immediate family would die if they couldn’t get picture updates of my girls. Really all I do is upload pictures for them and get on with my day. Big improvement from the social media addiction I used to have.

        Liked by 1 person

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