Rainy Day

Both literally and figuratively. I have yet to fold any laundry. Babe came home at 1 and wanted to nap before he went back for his shift at 4:45. I tried to catch finish up the last couple of episodes of Between finally after the guy came to fix our wifi.Babe has to sleep with background noise so I’ve been cycling through my small collection of movies. (I used to have quite an extensive collection but my ex, the girls’ biological father, sold most of them for drugs or a pack of cigarettes.) The first night it was We’re The Millers and Get Him To The Greek, next night was Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and last night was Neighbors. The extended editions of course; I need maximum hilarity in my life as much as possible. We were running low on options so I’m glad they came to fix the connection.

It doesn’t matter anyway, my mind is only on one thing right now. I’ve always been incapable of making decisions. I can’t even tell you what I want for dinner let alone try to make a decision that impacts another person’s life. I know I’m not wrong in feeling as if his take on the whole situation is a little on the selfish side. I would never tell him that, but still. 

I feel to make sure you have a better grasp at my situation, I have to confess to you some facts about me. I am a terrible communicator, especially when I put myself out a few times to try and be heard and am shot down. If I have a problem with something and I am not heard and continue to be disrespected, I get impulsively spiteful. I began to date my ex out of spite; a boy broke my heart and told me “Whatever you do, please don’t hook up with him.” I’m sure you can guess where this goes. Out of spite, we got together. I ended up getting pregnant before I saw his true colors. Three years, two kids, and three CPS cases later, I finally woke up and realized THIS IS NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR US. I told him I hated him and promptly kicked him out of my minivan on the side of the road, across the street from the post office. Flash foward: I meet Babe and he is just the perfect gentleman. Took care of me from Day One, and when my girls were introduced to the picture he loved them immediately. When we met, he was sober. It all went downhill with a margarita we shared. He turned into this party crazy boy who said hurtful things after he got some liquor in him. Hell, he proposed to me drunk. His elaborate proposal that he had told everyone about had turned to a stumble to one knee in our driveway in front of his parents and a few friends. After about 7 months, we were fighting continuously until 3 or 4 in the morning. I told him he had a problem the next day as he apologized over and over. Later the same day, he would be off to drink again. I took comfort in one of his friends during my birthday party last year. We got caught. I had just started to not only earn my trust back but begin to feel like maybe we could do this and he was ready to grow up when a month before the wedding the drinking got bad again. I started falling for his best friend. We didn’t act on it; I had told Babe he was getting out of hand again. That’s when the name calling started and when his drunken foolishness was being played out in front of the girls. I called the wedding off and left. His best friend and I spent a weekend together and then it was done. His friend’s guilt and the lack of mine was enough to show me that what I was doing wasn’t right. I love my boyfriend. I miss the man I fell in love with. I know he’s there but his alcohol is hiding him. He has done better with his drinking since then. I am working towards getting my trust back, though sometimes I feel like I never will. I fucked up, there’s no denying that. I just can’t live with someone else holding it over my head when I beat myself up for it every single day already. 

So I’m sure his not wanting me to move in with my uncle has a lot to do with that. Part of me feels like we need the space to breathe for a little bit though. I am not a bad person; I just do stupid shit sometimes. I shouldn’t have to suffer for all my actions forever, right? 


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