Beginning Of The End

My apologies to those of you who actually pay attention to my blog: I have been preoccupied.

I have spent the past year trying to grow with my boyfriend through our mistakes. While it has been evident that I had no plans to go out and cheat on him, it seemed he had no plan on moderating his drinking. I’ve spent the weekdays crying after getting off the phone with my girls and hearing them tell me they miss me so much and they just want to be with me. It hurts. I told him after the Christmas break, I will be moving in at my uncle’s house to be a mother to my girls. He agreed and even apologized for his selfish reaction the first time the situation was brought up.

Then he went out with his friend last night. He came home ranting and raving about a plate of food he had apparently set aside for himself to eat when he got home. Someone had eaten it. There was more of the food in the oven but that plate was his and he was pissed. His outbursts turned to personal attacks. Telling me I was lazy and bringing up my cheating. Telling me I don’t care about anyone but myself. I finally told him: “You tell me you forgive me over and over again but as the saying goes ‘Drunk minds speak sober thoughts’ and your drunk mind has made it very apparent that you don’t forgive me. Your constant questioning of who I’m talking to when I even glance at my phone during the day shows me you don’t trust me or plan to trust me anytime soon. And I can’t do this anymore.”

In came the sorry’s and the tears; I told him they didn’t mean much to me anymore. I loved him but I am not happy in this relationship. It is unhealthy. We both destroyed each other and, as it stands right now, I don’t think we will be able to build each other back up again. Who’s to say that time apart won’t allow us to take care of ourselves so maybe we can be together later on down the line. But I can’t live my life unhappy forever.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I’m definitely frowning, but I know I’d be stuck underwater if I stay here with him.

Now it’s time to make myself better.