Stuck

I should probably start packing. Hard to do when I have only a few outfits, a HUGE television, and a bed to my name here. Not like I can really load that up really early unless I want to be bored and naked for the remainder of my time here. 

I had a friend. She was literally my only escape and she knew how he could be. But she’s so damn sketchy. She told me she was coming to pick me up so I could escape last night; She stopped replying to my texts around the time she said she would be here. She said she was off today and wanted to hang out; She has not replied to any of my messages and forwarded my call a few minutes ago. I wouldn’t be upset if this was the first time she’s pulled some shit like this, but it isn’t. Whatever. I don’t have time for people who want to act like friendship is a “when I feel up to it” type of thing. If you can’t take two minutes to tell me you’re busy or something, I don’t really care to wait around for you to decide you can talk to me. 

I can’t wait to be away from everyone. The more I stay around here, the more reasons to leave pile up.

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Dinner Tonight

Reheated, two day old chicken thrown in a bowl with lettuce. I can’t even call it a salad as we didn’t have any dressing but, as I forgot to eat today, I had to make do. 

His dad called him while he was out at the bar and gave him grief, asking if he even cared that the girls had come home. He came home in a terrible mood and it got worse as he insulted one of our friends to the point she told him she was done with their friendship. He’s just so out of line. 

I’m hiding in the bathroom “peeing” after he threw himself on top of me, again. His heavy body suffocated and possibly bruised me, again. He smelled of brew and was soaked in sweat from humping so much. I thought, when he finally finished, I might actually throw up this time. How does he not know I don’t want to do this anymore? How can he not tell I’m faking my moans? Oh right, the alcohol.

Christmas is over, can I leave now? 

Excited For

Never running out of batteries. Not losing my shit as soon as I put it down (in other words, total organization). Sitting and writing at an actual computer. Getting lots of reading done. Using my planner every day without disruption/someone calling me weird for wanting to plan because they don’t understand that not everyone has a perfect planner in their brain. Sleeping in a bed alone, not having to fight for a blanket or for room to sleep. Getting in a routine. Getting a job. Starting my new chapter.

Seven more days. One more week. I got this.

He’s Out To Drink

With friends again. Not that I really expect anything else from him anymore. I should have known that him falling asleep so early last night meant he would wake up in the middle of the night with a “wood problem.” I was woken up to him rubbing all over my body around three in the morning. When I told him I was still trying to sleep, he responded with “That’s okay, go back to sleep.” And he continued with what he was doing. It was disgusting and I was pissed.

The girls came home from their second Christmas full of joy and with trash bags full of new toys. At least they are having a good holiday.

He Passed Out Tonight

I guess his negative attitude was wearing him out. He got so worked up that he forgot about a delicious dinner he had planned. He remembered by 6, started cooking by 7, and we ate shortly after 9. He spewed his apologies over me again. I told him to stop. 

His misty eyes just bother me now. I see him actively flirting with girls already on facebook. To make me feel that twinge of jealousy, no doubt. And while it’s there, my disappointment at his immaturity is much stronger. 

Nine days left. I am more certain every day that I made the right decision.

The Mood Changed

Once the girls left, he was back to looking pitiful. He repeated apologies for not showering me with gifts. He apologized for being broke all the time. He began to cry, just telling me he was sorry over and over again. 

He told me he knew this very well could be our last Christmas together and he barely had the money to pull it off. He said he was ashamed. I told him to stop apologizing. I had not a penny to my name, it’s not like I could get him anything. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything from him anyway. 

His sadness seeped into my pores and I am trying to get away from it now. I tried to play my video games, but even focusing on that isn’t helping. I dove into my book but I couldn’t pay attention to the words when he walked past the bedroom every few minutes, sniffling. 

He came and asked me if I felt any different; He asked if anything had changed for me. He was begging me to tell him I would stay here and be with him. He wasn’t facing me as he asked, so I told the back of his head “I made my decision and I am sticking with it.” He nodded with understanding (though his denial is so apparent on his face and through his actions) and went outside to grab a beer from the cooler.

These things that caused the problems are what he runs to at the first hint of upset. This is why my foot is staying down.