We ordered Chinese food last night. You always get giant portions and have no choice but to save the rest for later. I had shrimp with garlic sauce and it was delicious though on the menu it says my dish comes with water chestnuts, my favorite, and when our delivery finally came my meal was sans chestnuts! (Unimportant, but still disappointing.) I ate about half and put the rest away for a midnight snack.
Earlier, I got a ridiculous hunger pang. I guess I forgot to eat again. Looking around the house all I found was a loaf of bread and the fortune cookie left over from my dinner. “We really need to go grocery shopping,” I thought out loud as I grabbed my cookie. I was hoping for some uplifting bit of hope from my fortune. Something like “Money is coming your way,” or “Happiness is right around the corner.” I opened my cookie and there was nothing in it. No fortune. No lucky numbers.
What the hell is that about? I just wanted a little pick-me-up for my somber state of being. Am I so pathetic that I can’t even get a fortune cookie right? Of all the mass-produced shit in the world, I had to find myself with a fortune-less fortune cookie. But I guess at that point, it’s just a cookie. Sure, I know it means nothing. But damn.
Now I’m out of cigarettes and my Internet connection is going in and out. I guess this would be a good time to tackle my Happy Planner.
December is here! This means my birthday is in ten days, two weeks after that is Christmas, and four days after that is Paul’s birthday. While excited about upcoming events, I still find myself in bed waiting for an appropriate time to go back to sleep.
It’s only a matter of days before my car gets taken back and we are left with no transportation. My girls have spent the week with my grandmother to make sure they get to school every day. I miss them and I so desperately wish I were just able to do what needs to be done with them without any obstacle stopping me, mental or not.
I got a call for a job interview yesterday. I never called back to set up a time. Not because I didn’t want the job but because if I got it, I have no guarantee than I will be able to make it to work each day. I hate this. I’m spiraling downward and though I’ve got one hand on the rope to pull me up, I feel like letting go and accepting my defeat is still an option.
I put my wedding dress up for sale two days ago. We need money. I need to be able to give the girls a good Christmas, whether I’m employed or not. When I got a message from a potential buyer, my heart sank. I really wanted to walk down the aisle in this dress. I’ve never felt as beautiful as I did when I tried it on. It’s just material though. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that shit, and the truth is in Paul’s eye I could get married in a trash bag and still be the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.
I’ve taken my meds every day this week. Not at the same time, but at least I’ve remembered to take them. Temporary has become such a permanent word for me. The pain I have? Temporary. The disapproval in my head? Temporary. My heaviness, fatigue, feeling like I won’t ever be out of this dark hole? Temporary.
I’ve succumbed to a Netflix binge session. Keeping myself in someone else’s story reminds me that mine could be worse. We’re watching Between. Amazingly intriguing show about a virus that kills everyone in a small town over the age of 22. I guess I should just be happy I’m not in that town, right?