I Had

A pretty good night last night. My friend picked me up and we just drove around and had some much needed girl talk. She did tell me that the way I talk about J kind of makes it sound like I’ve fallen for him. I don’t want to say that. I don’t even know if I’m truly capable of loving anyone besides my children. After all the storms I’ve been through, it just doesn’t make sense to me. But I can’t deny that he makes me feel more alive than I ever have before.

After talking with her, she kind of opened my eyes a bit to the situation. My mother passed away when I was 10. I’ve had many years to adjust to her loss. His father hasn’t even been gone two full months. He’s still trying to get a grip on his loss. I haven’t been putting that into perspective and have just been expecting him to interact with me like everything is normal. But nothing is normal. This is a huge transition on all ends right now. I need to be patient with him, so I’m going to be. As much as it killed me today, I didn’t send him a single message or funny picture to get him through his day. I just left him to be with himself. He’ll talk when he’s ready. That’s just how he is.

P is probably about to be in jail for a few months due to a probation revocation. It sucks because this charge is over five years old and this probation has gone on longer than it should have. I know he’s freaking out about it. But I am sort of relieved because, if he does go, that means his constant messages about how sorry he is and how he wishes he could turn back the clock will cease at least for a little while. Not to mention that he’s still trying to be sexual in between his apologies. Asking me to send him provocative pictures and shit like that. Are you kidding me?

My grandmother and I got in to an argument today. I knew things like this would happen as soon as I moved in with my uncle. She just likes to stick her nose in people’s business. It gets tiring. Plus she wants to speak to me like I’m still a child and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know she sees a lot of my mother in me and she is just trying to keep me from going down the same path, but I think I’ve shown more than enough to prove to her that I have no intentions of destroying my life like that.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. It’s refreshing to be in bed before 2 in the morning every night.

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