My Internet

was out last night. I was dying to talk to J. In our small time spent together, we saw 2 movies, had several lunch and dinner dates, quite a few showers, and tons of time just being with each other.

The first of the 2 movies we saw was Suicide Squad. Overall, we were disappointed. But we fell in love with every single Joker/Harley Quinn scene. We felt comfortable within their (quite literally) insane and very much intense relationship. And from the moment we left the movie that day, he was my Mistah J and I was his Harley. I’m talking name changes in our phones and everything. (He was Puddin, I was Harley.) We had so much fun channeling our inner crazy. It was beautiful. The second movie was Bad Moms, which I definitely recommend. We were laughing the whole time. I love seeing his smile and I love hearing his laugh even more than that.

Anyway, to avoid blowing his phone up, I took my daily journaling time as an opportunity to write him a letter. I might share it, just because I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him.

I am doing all I can to give him breathing room. If anything happens in the future, I know it would have meant a lot that I was patient with him.

P is going to probation this afternoon. He asked me if he could pick me up so he could spend some time with me before he left. He’s not sure if he’ll be coming out of the appointment or if he’ll be going to jail. After his first revocation, he was given a bit more strict stipulations. He hasn’t met any of them. 16 hours of community service a month? Nope. Making payments on time? He hasn’t paid a single payment in at least 5 months. Not to mention the drinking, and smoking pot. I don’t even think he’s attempted to call to do some sort of check in with the probation officer.

Anyway, he picks me up after my grandma and I drop off the girls at school. I agree to hang out with him every now and again because 1. all his friends stopped coming around and 2. he has my cat. She’s basically my emotional support animal, and I couldn’t bring her to my uncle’s because his cat is an Alpha Male and, quite honestly, a huge dick. I miss her so much and you can tell how much she misses me by how she acts when I get there. She even “hugs” me goodbye when I leave. She’s so smart and so sweet. But I digress. This fool had the audacity to try and get me to have sex with him. Just straight came out with it because he “doesn’t know when he’ll be able to have sex again if he goes to jail.” I had to shut him down really quick. THERE IS NO ATTRACTION FOR HIM LEFT. I don’t understand why that’s so hard for him to understand. I’m trying to be a friend to him but I don’t know if he can just accept that at face value without trying anymore.

It made my stomach hurt.


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