Trying

To be more positive. I’ve got a job & a car. Everything else will fall into place. 

Trying not to push J away. I miss him so. I think I’m gonna give him until the day I met him a year ago to make up his mind. Then I have to let go, for my sake. All I know is if I can’t have him then I don’t want anybody. Not for a while. 

I had a good, long day at work. The owner really likes me. Told my manager to give me more hours. So it looks like I won’t be part time for much longer! 

So ready for a steady paycheck. 

I was going to write out some memories of my mom today. She’s been on my mind quite a bit.  I’m just too tired to really dive in to that tonight. 

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The Good

As I had mentioned a few posts back, I had gotten called in for a job interview. While the interview went well, they decided to go with someone with better availability. It was okay though because once I got the first call, it was like the interview floodgates were opened and I was getting calls nonstop.

After my uncle gave me a ride to my third interview in the span of a week, he told me to start looking for cars priced no higher than $3000. He gave me a list of websites to go on and said that once I find some I’m interested in to send him the VINs so he could check out the CarFax on them. Within a day, we had already set up a test drive for an SUV. After going on the test drive, he asked me if I was comfortable in the car and if it was the one I wanted or if I wanted to keep looking. I told him I liked it and it was the one with the best history so I’d be fine with driving it. He bought the car straight out that day and I drove it home! I will have to make payments to him and gradually pay him back for it, but I HAVE A WORKING CAR!!

That same day, I got my phone replaced. I had cracked my screen a while back, and my uncle said he was upgrading his phone. I jokingly told him he should let me have his old phone (not even a year old, he just has the iphone forever plan and can upgrade whenever he wants). He actually agreed. I then got called in for another interview. This one went very well. Of course, it was for a part time position but I didn’t care. I needed money and I needed to work before I started going crazy. On my way home from the interview, I got a call back and they asked if I would be able to come in and meet with the owner in a couple hours. I agreed and got ready to head back for my second interview in a day. I got offered a job and I even started training the next day! My training hours were cut in half because I picked up so quickly. I’ve been there for about two weeks now. Part time might turn in to full time and I’m getting reviewed in three months to get a raise!

J and I have started talking again!! Nothing serious or anything, but he’s actually responding to my messages. That’s a start. I’ll take what I can get. I’m going to ask him to accompany me to the movies next weekend. I hope he says yes.

Even before he started responding to me, I’ve been in a much happier mood. I don’t do much in my free time, but at least I’m getting somewhere. I’m even okay with not really having any friends. It just shows I can do life by myself.

Things are looking up and I can only believe that they will continue to do so.

 

 

 

The Bad

The bad starts a few weeks ago. P and I were getting along just fine. Hanging out every now and then, working on being civil for the girls sake. Then came Valentine’s Day. He tried to ask me to spend the evening with him. He said, and I quote, “You know it’ll be fun and comfortable, besides we don’t want to have Alentine’s Ay, without the V or the D…” Does that shit work on people? It made me sick. So I laid it down for him. I told him that my mind and my heart was focused on one person, and even if I can’t have that person, I’d rather be alone than settle for something I have absolutely no interest in. He told me he understood yet didn’t understand. He told me that by me saying that, I had ruined his self worth. I told him I wasn’t going to apologize for how I felt. I have no reason to feel guilty. I can’t help how I feel. Why should he try to make feel like I’m in the wrong? He thought he had dibs on my body because used to be together. That’s not the case.

Flash forward to last week. J texts P. J is a shit talker through and through. So he, as usual, started talking shit (playfully) to P. P got offended. He started texting me telling me he fucking hates J and wants him to die and all this shit. At this point, J’s brother had gotten on the phone and was telling P off. Told P that J was the only one there for him when all his friends abandoned him. He was the only one to take him out to celebrate his birthday. Told him that he took him out to try and get his mind off of me and ended up flipping his car that night. He just ripped P a new one. P, who was drunk and angry, told me “I’m going to tell them to text me from their dad’s phone.” Their deceased father. Who hasn’t even been gone for six months. I told him not to say that. He then continued to say “Fuck him and his whole family. I hope him and his brother die the same way their dad did. They deserve it.” He then took the opportunity to talk shit to me and about my taste in men because he knows how I feel about J. I ignored his messages after he tried to bring me into it. I was at home, haven’t talked to J in about a month, and was minding my own business.

The next morning he blew my inbox up with apologies. “I was drunk and angry and didn’t mean what I said.” Now, my issue wasn’t with him trying to insult me. It was with how fucking insensitive he was. It was with how he thought he had the right to bring someone’s dead parent into a situation. He doesn’t know that pain. It’s not something you can describe to someone. He had no business saying that shit, especially when he doesn’t respect his parents to begin with! J’s dad was his best friend, P uses and abuses his father. He didn’t understand why it made me so mad. He just believed that because he said sorry, that I have to forgive him and just go back to acting like everything was normal. But this was the last straw for me. I already hadn’t really wanted to continue being around him after his continuous efforts to get me to agree to hook up with him. I am sick of his entitled attitude. He uses people then treats them like shit. Doesn’t think before he says things. And just expects everyone to stand by his side through it all. I’m not going to. So I told him exactly how I felt. Then I muted his notifications on my phone. Had I forgiven him, it would have been something new in a few days. I’m tired of the cycle and considering WE AREN’T TOGETHER ANYMORE, I have no reason to deal with it.

He then spent 45 minutes trying to convince me that J single-handedly ruined his life. “He took me out, he bought me drinks knowing I had a problem, and he still did it. He took my love. Took my ability to see the girls every day away. Took my trust away and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.” I was blown away. He has not once in the entire length of our relationship taken responsibility for his own actions. I told him the issue wasn’t with J offering to buy him drinks, it was with his lack of self control. His inability to pace himself. It wasn’t like J held a gun to his head and said “Drink or die.” He made the decision to overdrink and to make an ass out of himself. Every. Damn. Time.

Then came Tuesday. He had apparently invited over his ex-girlfriend, a girl he has spent much time complaining about because “She’s crazy & won’t leave me alone. Every time I talk to her I end up regretting it.” She gave him forty dollars after he spun her some story about how he needs gas to get to work but both him and his father are broke and can’t put gas in the truck. Then I guess later on in the afternoon, she offered him and his friend some ecstasy. So, this 26-year-old “man” who is currently feeling low in pretty much every part of his life, decided it was a good idea to do some hard drugs on a Tuesday evening. Our mutual friend was there and she called me crying. She was livid. She scared that girl off and ended up fighting with P. I sent his father a message, told him that whatever anger I had towards P was set in stone now, and not to ever speak to me again. And, if he’s lucky, he can see the girls in a few weeks. That is, if he isn’t in jail after the drug test he knew he had coming up today.

I had P and his dad blowing up my phone trying to prove to me that P wasn’t rolling. Turns out those “tabs” she gave them were vitamins. I said it doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is he took a pill with the intentions of getting fucked up. Why? Because he was sad? Because he wanted to forget? I guess all the alcohol wasn’t doing the trick. I said he needs to man the fuck up. Finally take responsibility for his life. Stop making things worse on himself. For someone who just spent time trying to convince me that his friend ruined his life, I’m wondering where J was to take place in this situation.

And with all that, I said my piece and blocked him. Then I blocked his dad’s number; Then his mom’s. I’m just done with the bullshit.

I couldn’t even find joy in my accomplishments because I was still letting him drag me down mentally. I’m glad to say not talking to him has been the best decision I’ve made since moving out.

 

I’m Alive!

My apologies for the lack of posting. So much has happened in what seems like a short amount of time. I guess when I really look at it, it’s already almost March. Time is going by so quickly!

Good things, bad things. Tons of shit has been going on in my life. I will be working on sharing that with you today in between my several cups of coffee, filling out new patient paperwork for my oldest daughter (who has to see an ENT specialist due to some fluid in her ears), and figuring out how to permanently block a phone number on the new phone I got about a week ago.

For once, the good outweighs the bad for me. I’ve been prioritizing my happiness and it seems to be doing well. The bad is upsetting but I won’t let it bring me down farther than necessary.

I think I’ll handle my updates in a couple posts, appropriately titled The Good and The Bad. Be patient with me though! I do have other things to do today.

I just can’t keep all the events swimming in my head anymore.

I’ve Been In My Head

Probably more than I should be. I started my period and I’m just so fucking emotional. It’s already known that J is in my head, but I can’t seem to hold myself together this week. I just want to fucking cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. I heard “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies and I was in awe at how appropriate it was for that song to come on. Despite the nonsense that makes up most of that song, the chorus speaks volumes to me. Even my friend turned the song down to tell me it’s like J and I’s theme song right now.

It’s like I want to be angry with him but I know that I can’t be angry. Everyone has their own way of coping with things in their lives. He’s trying to cope with his father’s death, his car getting totaled, working, and moving back in with his mother to help her put things back together after their loss. I think he only took one, maybe two, days off of work for the funeral. He just keeps pushing forward and I know he’s not okay but he’s being strong. Too strong. I just want to be there for him.

I just hate that he won’t talk to me. He forgets that we are fucking humans with real emotions. He’s unfamiliar with the concept of someone actually caring about his wellbeing. And it’s killing me. I just want to know he’s okay.

Job interview went well, I think. But I think the manager found someone with better availability. The only downfall of being a single mother is not being able to work at the drop of a hat. I can’t just get called in; I have kids to take care of.

I hope I get something soon. I’m tired of sitting here missing someone who won’t admit that he misses me.