I’ve Been In My Head

Probably more than I should be. I started my period and I’m just so fucking emotional. It’s already known that J is in my head, but I can’t seem to hold myself together this week. I just want to fucking cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. I heard “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies and I was in awe at how appropriate it was for that song to come on. Despite the nonsense that makes up most of that song, the chorus speaks volumes to me. Even my friend turned the song down to tell me it’s like J and I’s theme song right now.

It’s like I want to be angry with him but I know that I can’t be angry. Everyone has their own way of coping with things in their lives. He’s trying to cope with his father’s death, his car getting totaled, working, and moving back in with his mother to help her put things back together after their loss. I think he only took one, maybe two, days off of work for the funeral. He just keeps pushing forward and I know he’s not okay but he’s being strong. Too strong. I just want to be there for him.

I just hate that he won’t talk to me. He forgets that we are fucking humans with real emotions. He’s unfamiliar with the concept of someone actually caring about his wellbeing. And it’s killing me. I just want to know he’s okay.

Job interview went well, I think. But I think the manager found someone with better availability. The only downfall of being a single mother is not being able to work at the drop of a hat. I can’t just get called in; I have kids to take care of.

I hope I get something soon. I’m tired of sitting here missing someone who won’t admit that he misses me.

 

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