All posts by tenaciousteee

I am a mother of two. Battling depression and anxiety one day at a time. Here to let loose and get out of my head, or at least try. Thanks for joining me.

Oh,

And I forgot to tell you, I had a strange thought to try to log in to my Xbox account on Mother’s Day, and surprisingly my password had been changed back. Like, thanks psycho for giving me my games back for Mother’s Day. What a pal.

P apparently has a new girlfriend. All I can say is, have fun girl.

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It’s been a while

I had to go back and look at my last post and let me just say WOW! A lot has happened in the past three months, or so it seems. And, honestly, it’s all been for the better.
Let’s start off with friendships and relationships.
I haven’t spoken to J in a little over a month. I finally got the little nugget of wisdom through my thick skull that if he wanted to talk to me, he knows how to get ahold of me. It hurts and he still crosses my mind and I wonder how he’s doing, but I’m not going to hurt myself anymore by trying so hard to be in the life of someone who doesn’t care whether or not I’m around.
A warrant popped up for K from something she did over seven years ago when she was in a very destructive relationship. She decided to turn herself in. That was shortly after I made my last post. She’s been in a small county jail for 70+ days, My hand is cramping up from how many letters I’ve written her. I write several days at a time during the week and send the letter off at the end of the week. I set up a phone account and put money on it every pay period. There hasn’t been much progress in her case and we’re all on edge about it. Not to mention all the people trying to stir up drama spreading rumors about what’s going on with her on the outside. “Friends” who haven’t had anything to do with her are all fishing for information from one another and lies are being spread. It’s disgusting. It adds more stress to her that she doesn’t need. I don’t respond to those who ask me about it, those who need to know already know. I miss her a lot though.
I’ve really been enjoying being single. Of course everyone is showing me attention but I feel good not having to stress over what my boyfriend is doing. After seven years of truly toxic relationships, I’m really enjoying time to myself. Sure, I get kinda lonely from time to time but I also know that if I’m patient and selective, someone is going to come along and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I have an AMAZING job. I work full time (and they’re very generous with overtime) and get medical AND dental insurance. The work environment is so positive. I’ve never enjoyed a job like I’ve enjoyed this one. I work 9 hour shifts and they go by quickly. It’s amazing!

That’s just a small, grateful update on my life. My mindset is so much more positive than it has been in so long! I’m just keeping busy and looking forward. Things are getting so much better.

Truly Pathetic

I had to go as far as to change my phone number to get P to leave me alone, and less than a week later he took it upon himself to LOG IN TO MY XBOX ACCOUNT AND CHANGE MY PASSWORD. So now, I can’t log in. That’s HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS in games that he’s taken from me.

All because he can’t get over the fact that I left him and he pushed me so far off the edge that I never want anything to do with him again.

Fucking petty. I’m livid. All I do is work, take care of my girls, and play games. Now I can’t even play half of the fucking games I own because they were all bought digitally FROM THAT ACCOUNT.

 

 

2 Drafts

Over the past two days. I’ve been wanting to write and update on my life, but I just haven’t really found the words. Eventually, I just give up and close the window.

I gave K the opportunity a little over a week ago to explain herself. She had been texting me nonstop, begging for a chance to redeem herself because, and I quote, “You (as in me) have been nothing but a good friend to me, please give me the chance to reciprocate that.” So I picked her up and we drove around to talk. As soon as she got in the car, she was thanking me and apologizing to me all at once. She was bawling her eyes out as she confessed how deeply she had been fucking up. She wasn’t lying just to me, she was lying to everyone closest to her, and she was lying to herself. She was hurting her friends and her family and she was hating herself more as she continued to make terrible choices.

Then she asked me to help her. She said she knows she’s better than this and she can see that I know she’s better than this.  I took her to my house for a few days to get away from the shitty people she had been hanging around and so she had time to recuperate before she had to face the music and talk to her father about everything that had been going on. I watched her get clear-headed for the first time in what must have been a month at least. I talked to her and shared in her excitement to finally be moving forward. And I told her, sternly, that I will only help her out as long as I continue to see this mindset from her.

I’m still trying to allow myself to trust her completely, but all things take time. She is the best friend I’ve had in a while and, if we’re being honest, I’ve been fucked over worse by people who got second chances they sure as hell didn’t deserve. I just draw the line from now on, I won’t be forgiving if anything like this happens again.

Work has been insane. Out of nowhere, I started feeling tensions rise between the front desk and the back. One of the therapists we had gave us her two week notice and the last few days she was here, she got into it with my assistant manager. They were in the break room screaming at each other. It was so unprofessional. I guess after that therapist left, she decided she was going to stir up more shit and called the owner of our store to divulge information about the assistant manager. This information she revealed led to my assistant manager getting fired. Which has led to me being the most knowledgeable about the front desk (aside from the store manager), which means I’ve been working nonstop. Good for my wallet, but I haven’t been given a raise or anything though and the longer I stay here, the more I see how chaotic and unpleasant the environment tends to be. Maybe if I get more money, I can look past it.

I officially have one friend. 

It’s J. I don’t talk to him every day ’cause he’s not that type of person but it’s just him and my girls in my life now. 

K fucked me over. I had been spending so much time driving around and hanging out with her and she ended up lying to me and stealing my debit card. I locked it and ordered a new one. I’m done with people. 

I deleted my Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook for good. I don’t want anyone knowing my life or what I’m up to anymore. 

J actually wanted to hang out yesterday but I had to work. I told him about K and he just said he hopes that I learned a lesson about trusting people and that nobody is special. He’s right. I was dumb. I could sense she had been lying to me about stuff but because I want to believe people are good, I looked past it. I should have known better. 

Here’s to a lonely life. Better than continuing to get fucked over. 

Shit Storm

That’s the only accurate term I can find to reflect how the past few days have been.

My friend K and I live about thirty minutes away from each other and neither of our houses are really places that we feel comfortable hanging out at. It’s just…awkward. She lives with her parents and well, I live with my uncle now. It just doesn’t feel like we can relax. Anyway, we decided to meet up at P’s house. He had offered to install the new car stereo I had gotten the day before and then ended up getting drunk later in the evening and stumbling and making a complete ass of himself, as always. So I was just ignoring all the messages he had been sending to me. I was cordial with him while K and I were meeting up. Then we got in my car and went to grab lunch. P ended up going bar hopping and blowing up my phone (his friend blowing K’s phone up, because he likes her). K and I were trying to have a good time and we couldn’t because we knew they were just out drinking and most likely getting angry that we weren’t really responding to them.

K and I finished eating and went to run some errands and got back to the house before the guys did. We sat in the garage and talked. When we heard the guys pull up we basically prepared ourselves for some bullshit. P spent the next two hours insulting me. Calling me every name under the book. I just sat there and let him lash out at me without saying a word. There was a time when I would have fought back and I would have had him on the ground in tears with all the terrible things I could say. But I didn’t this time. I just let him continue to make a fool of himself.

When I finally left, I realized that I was absolutely finished. He wasn’t mad because I wasn’t responding to his messages. He was mad because I’m not with him. We can’t be friends. And I knew this. I sound like a broken record because I already said I was done but truthfully, I did absolutely nothing wrong and got yelled at for two fucking hours. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I had a million apology messages. He was begging me to come over so we could have a one on one conversation about it. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I told him.

I think there is plenty to talk about, T. Please just listen to me for one second.
“Nope. This is over. We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be together. And it’s clear we can’t be anything without there being issues so we are nothing. How it should have been. How it will be.”
You just flipped the script. Everything was fine the day before. (Referring to the day he installed my stereo; He clearly forgot he was being a fucking drunk moron. The shit I’ve been trying to stay away from.
” Don’t worry about explaining yourself. Like you said last night, I said I was done with you four months ago so why am I still here?”
All I wanted to do was be cool with you and that’s all I’ve tried to do. But I can’t walk on eggshells anymore. (I laughed as I read this. Everything’s ‘cool’ until he starts getting some liquid courage and starts pissing everyone off.
This conversation is over. You said what you wanted to say to me last night. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m not going to be around you anymore. Bye.

Everything he said to me that night wasn’t anything he hasn’t said before. But all those other times I retaliated. To have someone just tear you down like that for multiple hours is almost sickening. I was so sluggish for a day or two after that. It was just a lot to have replay over in my head. I was hurt but I was more mad at myself for continuing to be around him knowing that it never ends well. I really beat myself up for doing that.

And then K went with me to get a tattoo. I’ve been wanting another one for literal years now. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I’m so pleased with what I got too! It’s Ariel and Flounder from The Little Mermaid but they’re cute looking zombies. It’s my favorite piece so far. I figured I had the extra cash and I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

I’ve got three tattoos now. And I realized when I was waiting to go to my appointment for this last one that I always get a tattoo in a time of transition. I guess this one marks the end of P. For real.

 

!!!

I logged in to my bank account to see how much money I had to put in my gas tank and apparently my tax refund was deposited today!! 

Safe to say I’ll be able to fill my tank up. After all the stress I was put through this week, that was a very pleasant surprise.