Words I Never Sent You

Remember when you said my texts were the highlight of your day at work? ‘Cause I was either just being a dick or sending you funny stuff. I want to go back to that. All I want is to make your day a little better.

I’ve gathered some knowledge on what type of person you are, and it seems easier for you to just shut everyone out. Fine. I get it. And I’ll let you shut me out for as long as you want but i’m not going to deny that I still feel more connected to you than I probably should. Even when you won’t talk to me.

Remember when you got excited because you finally had someone to go to the movies with? I had a plan to ask you to go to the movies last weekend. I was gonna pay and everything because, let’s get real, you spent hundreds of dollars on me in one weekend. I owe you. But I bitched out and didn’t ask you because I figured you’d ignore me.

I don’t think highly of myself in any way so please know I don’t say this to make myself look great or desirable, but I have been approached nonstop by guys since everyone found out I was single. I have shot them all down and even deactivated my Facebook so I didn’t have to associate with anyone. I don’t want to spend time with random fucking people, I want to spend time with you. I would rather sit in silence while you give me angry looks than spend time with shit people. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way you got me feeling when you kiss me. And I still don’t know why I feel like that. 

I want you in my life so much it scared me. But I don’t care. If anything were to come of it just know I am fully aware that fucking you over would most likely result in me getting shot. I’d let you though.

Full body armor and all, I’m waiting for you to come back around. Just know that.

We met on 5/5 last year. It was awkward because you came in for a hug and I moved away. I probably did that because I had just spent about ten minutes taking you in and acknowledging that I was deeply interested in you. I knew it was going to be trouble for me then. Look at me now! Hopelessly optimistic that I’ll get to see you again yet aware you’re stubborn enough to make me wait forever if you wanted.

I fucked up, I know this. I would do anything to get a real opportunity to show you thatI’m not as terrible as my actions made me out to be.

I’ll stop now. I just want you to know that even though I’ve tried, I can’t stop myself from wanting you around. I’d like to believe that somewhere WAY, WAY, WAY deep down, you kinda want me around too.

 

Written three days before “the incident” where you believed I was trying to manipulate you with a little help from my friend. Why would I express my willingness to wait just to ask someone to jump in the middle?

Well, it’s 12:30 (Random Ramblings)

and I’m feeling accomplished in the productivity department despite not being scheduled to work today. (My mind is forever on the money!)

I took a shower, tidied up my room, folded a large pile of the girls’ clothes that I’ve been neglecting, and just threw my laundry in the dryer. I feel like I’m always needing my clothes in the washing machine because I’ve only got one shirt for work. That bitch cost me $30, I’m gonna stick with the one until I absolutely need to get another.

It’s been about two months since I deactivated my Facebook and I have no desire to reactivate. I have a new phone now too so the app isn’t right in my face. I don’t feel like I’m really missing out on anything. Those that need to get ahold of me have my phone number. It has cut down significantly on the bullshit I let in my life.

I don’t feel like I’m isolating myself by just focusing on a better me. I’ve learned less is more as you get older, and I’m starting to see that having no one to talk to most of the time is better than having a hundred “friends” only interested in what you say so they can let others know of your struggles.

I can probably say I have two friends at the moment. One moved 16 hours away; We don’t talk as much as we used to but we’ve been through thick and thin since 4th grade. I know she’s not going anywhere. She’s just enjoying her life as a wife…something she always wanted. My other friend is actually talking about us getting a place later on in the year. While I appreciate what my uncle is doing for the girls and I by letting us stay here, I can’t help but feel like a permanent guest. It makes it hard to call this place home.

Trust in the timing. Everything will fall into place.

My Current Playlist

(On shuffle)

Need Jesus – Tech N9ne (Stevie Stone & JL)
Echo- Bad Meets Evil
Crazy In Love- Eminem
Nights – Snow Tha Product
Sing For The Moment- Eminem
F.F.F.– Bebe Rexha (G-Eazy)
American You- Yelawolf
Square Dance- Eminem
Take From Me- Bad Meets Evil
On The Bible- Tech N9ne (Zuse & T.I.)
Daddy’s Lambo- Yelawolf
Won’t Back Down- Eminem (P!nk)
We’re Not Sorry- Tech N9ne (Mackenzie Nicole)
Survival- Eminem
Must Be The Ganja- Eminem
‘Til I Collapse– Eminem
So Bad- Eminem
Right Hand- Drake (The only Drake song I actually enjoy. He’ll always be Jimmy to me.)
Guts Over Fear- Eminem (Sia)
Burn It Down– Tech N9ne (Ryan Bradley)
Believer- Imagine Dragons
Above The Law- Bad Meets Evil
Same Song & Dance- Eminem
Till It’s Gone- Yelawolf
I Get It Now- Tech N9ne (Krizz Kaliko)
The Mack- Nevada (Mark Morrison & Fetty Wap)
Superman- Eminem (Dina Rae)
In The Name Of Love (DallasK Remix)- Martin Garrix (Bebe Rexha)
A Certain Comfort- Tech N9ne (Kate Rose)
Small Doses- Bebe Rexha
Space Bound- Eminem
No K- Tech N9ne (E-40 & Krizz Kaliko)
The Monster- Eminem (Rihanna)
The Gun- Cash Cash (Trinidad James, Dev, & Chrish)
Jailbreak– AWOLNATION
I’d Love To Change The World (Matstubs Remix)- Jetta
Devil- Cash Cash (Busta Rhymes, B.o.B & Neon Hitch)

I think it’s safe to say I’m feelin’ a few different ways right now.

Talkin’ 2 Myself

I’ve been in a serious Eminem mood lately. Probably because it helps me connect to not only my mom but to J as well. I don’t give music enough credit. It really helps.

I don’t know if I said anything about it, but I actually saw J last week. My best, and probably my only friend, was trying to be sneaky and sent him a text message. All she said was hi, but as soon as I caught on I begged her to stop because it was going to piss him off once he finds out her and I are always together. He’ll feel like he’s being tricked. He caught on immediately. He didn’t text her back until the next day, but he called her out and asked her what kind of “treacherous shit” she was on. She actually owed him $20, so she used that as an excuse for her message. It was funny actually, he responded with “If I ever expected to get money back that I gave people, I wouldn’t have ever given money to P.”

Then she went rogue, again, and this conversation took place:

“Okay but seriously if there’s anything I can do let me know. T too, I know she cares a lot.”
Haha, I knew it! But if you guys wanna chill, come on. 

He wanted us to meet up with him at restaurant he was at. What we didn’t know is that he had been sitting there drinking since he had gotten off work at 4. It was easily almost 7 at this point. I told my friend I wanted to stop at home and change and fix my face and whatnot. You know, girl stuff. So we agreed to regroup and meet up within the hour. Her phone died. He called me and told me they asked him to leave because he had been drinking and hadn’t ordered anything to eat for hours. He told me to meet him at a Chili’s close by. My friend’s phone finally came back on and she called me and we decided that I would go ahead and meet him and she would come shortly after.

It was a pretty good drive from my house to where he was. He was very intoxicated. He was being funny and not completely mean though. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was outside smoking a cigarette and motioning for me to go away. I flipped him off and walked out the front door as his brother was walking up. We smoked and I listened to his brother bitch about a shitty teacher he has to deal with at school. We went back inside and my friend was already on her way and telling me to wait before we went anywhere. I walked up to the bar after getting off the phone with her and his brother was standing in between to chairs so I went on the farthest side and sit down. J was bullshitting with the bartender and his brother was actually asking me how life was going. “So much better, honestly.” Same here, he said, It’s amazing how much you can get done when you’re not smoking dope. He went on to tell me about how he works during the day and goes to school in the evenings. His face did look a bit fuller. I told him I was proud of him. And I am. My only issue with his ass was that he’s an addict who got a second chance and started to fuck it up. But I think his dad dying and having to move back in with his mom did him some good.

Chili’s was closing and J and his brother were telling me before we go do anything else they have to drop off their dad’s truck at the house. I said fine, but we have to wait for her to get here. J was getting annoyed (because he had been drinking since the middle of the afternoon), and his brother chilled him out by saying he needs to smoke a cigarette anyway and he can’t smoke in the truck. Then we started jamming out. She pulled up about halfway through our cigarettes. We finished smoking and she got in my car so we could follow them to their house. It was less than ten minutes away. But by the time we got there, J was ready to go in and go to sleep. He said he had to work in the morning and wasn’t going anywhere.

So we left. I texted him.
“Really?”
Look, that wasn’t intentional. But it sucks bein manipulated, don’t it?
“J, I swear to you, I told her to leave it alone. I had nothing to do with that.”
Yeah, and the sky ain’t blue.
“You think I didn’t learn my lesson the last time? I’d rather wait it out than actually ask someone to interfere. Just tell me what I need to do to get you to understand that all I ever want is to do right by you. I fucked up once and I knew I never wanted to do it again.”

And that was it. I assume he passed out after that. My friend felt guilty about starting all this, and swore she would make it right. She apologized to him, for that among other things she had done to him recently when she wasn’t doing too well. She didn’t take into account that just because she was doing good now doesn’t change the fact that she was shitty to him and he was very well still pissed about it. They talked and reconciled.

We talked too. I told him if he wants me to step away, then I will. I told him not to forget that I know how it is to grieve, and my mother wasn’t the best when I look back at it. He told me he wasn’t grieving and “there’s nothing to worry about, so quit with that shit.” He told me he’s leaving his past where it is, and that we can be friends. That he isn’t mad at me.

So I’m moving forward. I still have a small amount of optimism that somewhere down the line, we might be pulled back together. I’m just gonna put it all to bad timing.

Either way, I’m done dating for a while. I wanted him. Still do. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking that “getting back out there” will make things better. Plus, I hate pretty much all people. Why would I want to try to meet new people when I can just work on a better me?

I’m sad, but I’m not as sad as I thought I would be.

It is what it is.

*If you read all of this, I love you.*

I’m the worst

I’m content most of the time. Things are looking up, why shouldn’t I be? I think I have too much emotion for J. Not that I can help who I am. But for someone so keen on blocking out emotion, I’m probably a lot to handle. 

I have a good job. I have a car. I have a roof over my head. Everything else will fall in to place? So why do I feel so heavy still? I do and don’t understand. 

I’ve been considering really just keeping to myself. I don’t feel like I really have any friends (except for one, and even then I get wushu washy vibes). And I mean, as you get older, less is more right? 

My mind is a mess and it’s pissing me off. Wanting to be here for someone who is used to no one genuinely caring about him is hurting me more than anything. I keep setting myself on fire to try and keep others warm. I can’t stop myself. I just want to give out the love I wish someone would give back to me. Just once. 

Fuck. I guess I need to be alone. 

Trying

To be more positive. I’ve got a job & a car. Everything else will fall into place. 

Trying not to push J away. I miss him so. I think I’m gonna give him until the day I met him a year ago to make up his mind. Then I have to let go, for my sake. All I know is if I can’t have him then I don’t want anybody. Not for a while. 

I had a good, long day at work. The owner really likes me. Told my manager to give me more hours. So it looks like I won’t be part time for much longer! 

So ready for a steady paycheck. 

I was going to write out some memories of my mom today. She’s been on my mind quite a bit.  I’m just too tired to really dive in to that tonight. 

Navigating my way through depression and life as a single mom.