Anxious

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that my anxiety had been through the roof this past week. My nails, that I polish on purpose so they’ll grow long, have been bitten down so far that some of my fingers are bleeding. I bit through the nail and that polish and I really didn’t care about how awful the taste was. Typing on this computer is actually hurting my fingers because they’re so sore. I just repolished them in hopes that they’ll grow quickly and it’ll take attention off the cuticle wounds.

My face, only the right side, has been breaking out. I’ve had the past couple of days off so I haven’t put any makeup on hoping my face will clear up. I’ve got mountains on the side of my face, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to mess with them. It’ll just make my face worse.

I’m sure at some point I let you guys know that my girls’ biological father was put in jail. That took place on this past Black Friday. Possession of a controlled substance, theft, criminal trespassing, and credit card abuse. About a month ago, he was released. He was given time served, from what I had been told, and was moving in with his father so he would be able to travel with him to work. I received this message from him at the beginning of the week:

I’m writing verbatim, so please excuse the typos and/or lack of punctuation.

“I wanted to apologize for our past I don’t expect the same from u but I want u to know I don’t like the person I was nor would I ever want my daughters to know me as that person or follow in those footsteps. I did a lot of thinking in jail this last time n I want you to know that the things I did were wrong very wrong n even though I’ve said sorry before I think u deserve a genuine sober apology for once”

I was taken aback. I responded as politely and as honestly as I could.
I appreciate that. Never thought I’d ever actually get a sober apology honestly. It probably comes as no surprise that I have to keep my guard way up for now. 

And then I asked him what his plans were. I figured now that he has had some time to actually be sober and clear headed, he might actually have a vision for his future.

“I actually really enjoy how I feel sober I have my confidence back I’m in the best shape of my life. I actually have ambitions n goals n not just that but they’re clear as day. N I really want to be the right influence to my girls they are getting old enough now to know. N I don’t ever want them to see the evils I have seen. I’m living with my parents right now so I can save my money n pay my child support down. I heard about u n P. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorta going through something similar but I’m leavin it in God’s hands. But I hope your ok?”

I told him I’m fine but I really didn’t want to get in to it.

Then I got invited to a mutual friend’s daughter’s birthday party. I asked if he was going to be there, because I didn’t think I was ready to actually be in the same vicinity as him. Having my first somewhat civil conversation with him was one thing but actually being face to face with him after everything we went through would take some preparing for. She told me no, he was out on the oil field for work, and that I better be there. Her daughter was turning four and our girls get along well, I just try to keep my distance because I never knew if he was going to pop up.

Anyway, I get to the party and the girls immediately go out in the backyard to play. I see two kids that belonged to other mutual friends we had back before everything went to shit. Let’s just say, at one point they were my friends, but drugs change everything. Towards the end, they weren’t the people I had known, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So when I saw their kids, I felt my heart drop.

“Oh yeah, S & C are going to be here in a little bit. They said they’re running late. I hope that’s alright. I meant to tell you earlier but I was so busy trying to get everything ready for the party.”

I just nodded. What was I supposed to do? I always already here. Just suck it up for a couple hours of discomfort. I was here for a sweet, innocent child’s birthday. I just had to remind myself of that. The girls were having so much fun, it’s not like I could leave.

They actually showed up way later. They looked much better than the last time I saw them. I could see that they had cleaned up, but it was also apparent that the drug abuse had done some damage to his face before he had quit. Can it be permanently sunken in after consuming so much meth? That’s what it looked like.

They hugged me, said it was good to see me. Wanted to talk up the girls’ father. Talked about how great it was to see him in this mindset. Something none of us thought we would see. They told me about how much better their lives have been. How they’re finally finished dealing with CPS and how she’s got her dream job and he’s loving life as a stay-at-home dad.

My trust with these people has been gone for almost five years. But they did look much better and so much happier. I’m aware that people can change, it’s just hard to see that during your first encounter with someone following traumatic events. I saw them and I flashed back to being in my old apartment surrounded by so much pain and addiction.

After we left the party, I cried softly in the car on the way home. I made sure the girls couldn’t tell that I was crying, but I had to let something out. It was a lot for my heart and my mind to process. A lot to happen in less than a week. People from your dark past showing up all at once can take a toll on you.

I am still hoping for the best for all of them. Hoping they stay clean and out of trouble. Hoping that the girls never have to ask questions about where their dad is or what he’s doing. Hoping they never ask me why he doesn’t want to see them. Hoping he’ll be there for them. Finally.

Better late than never, right?

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Words I Never Sent You, Part 2

My mom wasn’t the best mom. I’ve had fourteen years to come to terms with it. She was an addict. Way before I was even born, she was an addict. She couldn’t even tell me who my father was because she couldn’t remember anything about him. She stole my identity before I was even in middle school. Bought me CDs with a credit card that was in my name. Let my friends and I smoke cigarettes by the door of a hotel room that she had bought with a credit card that was, once again, in my name. I think she knew she was fucking up. I think she knew she was hurting us.

I was ten years old when I asked her why she was so angry all the time. She took my to my room in the very back of my grandmother’s house and did a few lines eight in front of me. She wanted to show me what he problem was. To scare me? I don’t know. What scared me was how she sat on the bed afterward and sang to me. She wouldn’t let me leave the room. She just made me sit there and watch her.

A couple of weeks later she showed up, banging on the back door. She had gone and gotten so fucked up that she couldn’t walk. She had collapsed on the ground and my grandma had to drag her inside and set her up against the kitchen cupboards. It was pouring rain. My grandmother said that she was just dehydrated and not to worry about it. My mother was trying to speak and she couldn’t seem to get a word out. My grandmother told her she had to leave the next day. There was a huge argument and the last time I remember seeing my mother she was yelling as she walked down the street, leaving just like my grandma had asked. Three days later she broke into my grandma’s house and took a handful of pills prescribed to her to try and frame her for murder. Not thinking about the massive amounts of meth already running through her system, she fucked herself up bad. She died on the table in the hospital.

These are the last memories I have of my mom. I have no texts from her to hold on to; Text messages weren’t even a thing yet. The last time I heard her voice, she was yelling in a voicemail telling my grandmother how terrible of a person she is for “keeping her away from her kids.” I found her jacket while cleaning out the girls’ closet a couple weeks ago. It was the first time I had held anything that was hers in over a decade.

I never wanted to be like her. Then I was 22 with two kids living with their dope fiend father and eventually partaking myself. The day I looked in the mirror and saw my mom was the day my kids got taken away from me. It was a huge slap in the face.

I could still be there but I’ve grown. I’ve moved forward. Left their dad, got my kids back, and never looked back.

I tried to build a life with someone who seemed right and turned out to be nothing like I expected. After trying to get him to listen to me, I gave up and tried another way. That was the first time I cheated on him.

When I met you, I didn’t want to cheat on him. I wanted you. I wanted to end it so we could do our own thing. But I got scared and fucked everything up.

So I’m still gonna grow and move forward towards a better version of myself. I have no need to lie anymore. Just know that.

And know that I’m here for you. I always will be. If you decide you want me around, you know where I am. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you mad. I really did want this. Want you. “The one” is a bullshit statement, if I wanted perfection I’d be holding out for a long time. We click, Mistah J. And you know it because you agreed the first time I brought it to your attention.

I know you’re out there and there’s things you gotta go through. Grief is ongoing and I didn’t want you to be as alone through it all. But if this is how you want it, then I’ll step away for you.

I’ll worry in silence from now on. I’ll miss you. I’ll be here if you ever decide you miss me.

Words I Never Sent You

Remember when you said my texts were the highlight of your day at work? ‘Cause I was either just being a dick or sending you funny stuff. I want to go back to that. All I want is to make your day a little better.

I’ve gathered some knowledge on what type of person you are, and it seems easier for you to just shut everyone out. Fine. I get it. And I’ll let you shut me out for as long as you want but i’m not going to deny that I still feel more connected to you than I probably should. Even when you won’t talk to me.

Remember when you got excited because you finally had someone to go to the movies with? I had a plan to ask you to go to the movies last weekend. I was gonna pay and everything because, let’s get real, you spent hundreds of dollars on me in one weekend. I owe you. But I bitched out and didn’t ask you because I figured you’d ignore me.

I don’t think highly of myself in any way so please know I don’t say this to make myself look great or desirable, but I have been approached nonstop by guys since everyone found out I was single. I have shot them all down and even deactivated my Facebook so I didn’t have to associate with anyone. I don’t want to spend time with random fucking people, I want to spend time with you. I would rather sit in silence while you give me angry looks than spend time with shit people. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way you got me feeling when you kiss me. And I still don’t know why I feel like that. 

I want you in my life so much it scared me. But I don’t care. If anything were to come of it just know I am fully aware that fucking you over would most likely result in me getting shot. I’d let you though.

Full body armor and all, I’m waiting for you to come back around. Just know that.

We met on 5/5 last year. It was awkward because you came in for a hug and I moved away. I probably did that because I had just spent about ten minutes taking you in and acknowledging that I was deeply interested in you. I knew it was going to be trouble for me then. Look at me now! Hopelessly optimistic that I’ll get to see you again yet aware you’re stubborn enough to make me wait forever if you wanted.

I fucked up, I know this. I would do anything to get a real opportunity to show you thatI’m not as terrible as my actions made me out to be.

I’ll stop now. I just want you to know that even though I’ve tried, I can’t stop myself from wanting you around. I’d like to believe that somewhere WAY, WAY, WAY deep down, you kinda want me around too.

 

Written three days before “the incident” where you believed I was trying to manipulate you with a little help from my friend. Why would I express my willingness to wait just to ask someone to jump in the middle?

Well, it’s 12:30 (Random Ramblings)

and I’m feeling accomplished in the productivity department despite not being scheduled to work today. (My mind is forever on the money!)

I took a shower, tidied up my room, folded a large pile of the girls’ clothes that I’ve been neglecting, and just threw my laundry in the dryer. I feel like I’m always needing my clothes in the washing machine because I’ve only got one shirt for work. That bitch cost me $30, I’m gonna stick with the one until I absolutely need to get another.

It’s been about two months since I deactivated my Facebook and I have no desire to reactivate. I have a new phone now too so the app isn’t right in my face. I don’t feel like I’m really missing out on anything. Those that need to get ahold of me have my phone number. It has cut down significantly on the bullshit I let in my life.

I don’t feel like I’m isolating myself by just focusing on a better me. I’ve learned less is more as you get older, and I’m starting to see that having no one to talk to most of the time is better than having a hundred “friends” only interested in what you say so they can let others know of your struggles.

I can probably say I have two friends at the moment. One moved 16 hours away; We don’t talk as much as we used to but we’ve been through thick and thin since 4th grade. I know she’s not going anywhere. She’s just enjoying her life as a wife…something she always wanted. My other friend is actually talking about us getting a place later on in the year. While I appreciate what my uncle is doing for the girls and I by letting us stay here, I can’t help but feel like a permanent guest. It makes it hard to call this place home.

Trust in the timing. Everything will fall into place.

My Current Playlist

(On shuffle)

Need Jesus – Tech N9ne (Stevie Stone & JL)
Echo- Bad Meets Evil
Crazy In Love- Eminem
Nights – Snow Tha Product
Sing For The Moment- Eminem
F.F.F.– Bebe Rexha (G-Eazy)
American You- Yelawolf
Square Dance- Eminem
Take From Me- Bad Meets Evil
On The Bible- Tech N9ne (Zuse & T.I.)
Daddy’s Lambo- Yelawolf
Won’t Back Down- Eminem (P!nk)
We’re Not Sorry- Tech N9ne (Mackenzie Nicole)
Survival- Eminem
Must Be The Ganja- Eminem
‘Til I Collapse– Eminem
So Bad- Eminem
Right Hand- Drake (The only Drake song I actually enjoy. He’ll always be Jimmy to me.)
Guts Over Fear- Eminem (Sia)
Burn It Down– Tech N9ne (Ryan Bradley)
Believer- Imagine Dragons
Above The Law- Bad Meets Evil
Same Song & Dance- Eminem
Till It’s Gone- Yelawolf
I Get It Now- Tech N9ne (Krizz Kaliko)
The Mack- Nevada (Mark Morrison & Fetty Wap)
Superman- Eminem (Dina Rae)
In The Name Of Love (DallasK Remix)- Martin Garrix (Bebe Rexha)
A Certain Comfort- Tech N9ne (Kate Rose)
Small Doses- Bebe Rexha
Space Bound- Eminem
No K- Tech N9ne (E-40 & Krizz Kaliko)
The Monster- Eminem (Rihanna)
The Gun- Cash Cash (Trinidad James, Dev, & Chrish)
Jailbreak– AWOLNATION
I’d Love To Change The World (Matstubs Remix)- Jetta
Devil- Cash Cash (Busta Rhymes, B.o.B & Neon Hitch)

I think it’s safe to say I’m feelin’ a few different ways right now.

Talkin’ 2 Myself

I’ve been in a serious Eminem mood lately. Probably because it helps me connect to not only my mom but to J as well. I don’t give music enough credit. It really helps.

I don’t know if I said anything about it, but I actually saw J last week. My best, and probably my only friend, was trying to be sneaky and sent him a text message. All she said was hi, but as soon as I caught on I begged her to stop because it was going to piss him off once he finds out her and I are always together. He’ll feel like he’s being tricked. He caught on immediately. He didn’t text her back until the next day, but he called her out and asked her what kind of “treacherous shit” she was on. She actually owed him $20, so she used that as an excuse for her message. It was funny actually, he responded with “If I ever expected to get money back that I gave people, I wouldn’t have ever given money to P.”

Then she went rogue, again, and this conversation took place:

“Okay but seriously if there’s anything I can do let me know. T too, I know she cares a lot.”
Haha, I knew it! But if you guys wanna chill, come on. 

He wanted us to meet up with him at restaurant he was at. What we didn’t know is that he had been sitting there drinking since he had gotten off work at 4. It was easily almost 7 at this point. I told my friend I wanted to stop at home and change and fix my face and whatnot. You know, girl stuff. So we agreed to regroup and meet up within the hour. Her phone died. He called me and told me they asked him to leave because he had been drinking and hadn’t ordered anything to eat for hours. He told me to meet him at a Chili’s close by. My friend’s phone finally came back on and she called me and we decided that I would go ahead and meet him and she would come shortly after.

It was a pretty good drive from my house to where he was. He was very intoxicated. He was being funny and not completely mean though. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was outside smoking a cigarette and motioning for me to go away. I flipped him off and walked out the front door as his brother was walking up. We smoked and I listened to his brother bitch about a shitty teacher he has to deal with at school. We went back inside and my friend was already on her way and telling me to wait before we went anywhere. I walked up to the bar after getting off the phone with her and his brother was standing in between to chairs so I went on the farthest side and sit down. J was bullshitting with the bartender and his brother was actually asking me how life was going. “So much better, honestly.” Same here, he said, It’s amazing how much you can get done when you’re not smoking dope. He went on to tell me about how he works during the day and goes to school in the evenings. His face did look a bit fuller. I told him I was proud of him. And I am. My only issue with his ass was that he’s an addict who got a second chance and started to fuck it up. But I think his dad dying and having to move back in with his mom did him some good.

Chili’s was closing and J and his brother were telling me before we go do anything else they have to drop off their dad’s truck at the house. I said fine, but we have to wait for her to get here. J was getting annoyed (because he had been drinking since the middle of the afternoon), and his brother chilled him out by saying he needs to smoke a cigarette anyway and he can’t smoke in the truck. Then we started jamming out. She pulled up about halfway through our cigarettes. We finished smoking and she got in my car so we could follow them to their house. It was less than ten minutes away. But by the time we got there, J was ready to go in and go to sleep. He said he had to work in the morning and wasn’t going anywhere.

So we left. I texted him.
“Really?”
Look, that wasn’t intentional. But it sucks bein manipulated, don’t it?
“J, I swear to you, I told her to leave it alone. I had nothing to do with that.”
Yeah, and the sky ain’t blue.
“You think I didn’t learn my lesson the last time? I’d rather wait it out than actually ask someone to interfere. Just tell me what I need to do to get you to understand that all I ever want is to do right by you. I fucked up once and I knew I never wanted to do it again.”

And that was it. I assume he passed out after that. My friend felt guilty about starting all this, and swore she would make it right. She apologized to him, for that among other things she had done to him recently when she wasn’t doing too well. She didn’t take into account that just because she was doing good now doesn’t change the fact that she was shitty to him and he was very well still pissed about it. They talked and reconciled.

We talked too. I told him if he wants me to step away, then I will. I told him not to forget that I know how it is to grieve, and my mother wasn’t the best when I look back at it. He told me he wasn’t grieving and “there’s nothing to worry about, so quit with that shit.” He told me he’s leaving his past where it is, and that we can be friends. That he isn’t mad at me.

So I’m moving forward. I still have a small amount of optimism that somewhere down the line, we might be pulled back together. I’m just gonna put it all to bad timing.

Either way, I’m done dating for a while. I wanted him. Still do. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking that “getting back out there” will make things better. Plus, I hate pretty much all people. Why would I want to try to meet new people when I can just work on a better me?

I’m sad, but I’m not as sad as I thought I would be.

It is what it is.

*If you read all of this, I love you.*

Navigating my way through depression and life as a single mom.