It’s amazing how even the most random things can inspire you. This is a drawing of a “map” that my youngest daughter just finished. Normally, maps lead you to something right? I can’t tell where this one begins and where I need to go to find my treasure. I left my imagination back in my childhood, so her trails are obviously just scribbles to me. I do see a something though; I see more of a blueprint for what’s currently going on inside my head.
As my post suggests, I am procrastinating from doing something. I’m sure you’re dying to know what. I’d love to tell you, but I’m just not able to pinpoint one certain thing I should be doing. So, for the sake of not leaving anything out, let’s just say I’m actively avoiding my day-to-day life. If you look back a couple of posts, you can read just a snippet of the darkness that likes to show up on my shoulders at any given moment. Being at war with your own mind has got to be one of the most exhausting trials one can encounter.
Yesterday, I pulled my Happy Planner out of the cardboard box I had been keeping it in. (I highly suggest one if you’re interested in keeping better track of your day! I love mine, even if I sometimes forget to use it.) The box, while not really that important, is probably something that should be thrown away just because of the negative feeling I get when handling it. It was the box that the company I was working for used to pack up and mail all the stuff I had left in my desk before I never showed up for one of the four hour shifts they had decided to leave me with during the week. I kept it, as it was big enough for my planner as well as my little heart-shaped basket that kept my washi tape and favorite pen. A prime example of my depression messing with me without my noticing: I avoid going near the box now. It reminds me of a job I had and loved, a job I made the choice to leave. Something so meaningless has seemingly disabled me from going about my day normally.
Anyway, back to my planner. I filled out (in pretty great detail) all that I had planned to accomplish on this lovely Sunday. I was going to fold those clothes that had been sitting in multiple laundry baskets around Babe and I’s tiny room. I was going to pick up the room and even look for some bed sheets that would actually fit on our bed (somebody might have burned a hole in the sheets we already had) so we could stop sleeping on a bare mattress with a heavy comforter. I was going to have the girls tackle the livingroom along with their bedroom and their play room, all of which are absolutely covered in toys and blankets from their “forts”.
I went to bed fairly early (for me), a little past midnight. Babe and I slept through the alarm and he was almost late for work. I woke up at 11:30, which is an accomplishment considering I wouldn’t normally be greeting the day until at least an hour later. (Another reason not having a job is killing me? I find no urgency to get out of bed.) I sat up and attempted to rub out the sleep from the corners of my eyes, determined to get started on my to-do list I had so eagerly prepared the night before. I knew that sleeping in meant he took himself to work and I was going to be without a car for the day. If I wanted anything from the store, I would have to hope that his dad was already planning on getting out of the house and I could ask him to get it for me. His little truck is a stick shift. My cousin, who taught me how to drive, skipped over teaching me how to drive a standard. Something tells me he was already paralyzed with fear to have to teach me an automatic.
I have what can only be described as an extreme caffeine addiction. Hell, it’s 6 pm and I’m sipping on a Monster as I write this. It can get a little out of hand at times but considering all the nasty stuff I could have chosen to be addicted to, I say I’m still coming out on top. So when I crawled out of bed and to the kitchen, you can only imagine my absolute disappointment to find less than half a cup of coffee left in the still on coffee maker. I poured the remainder of the coffee and got everything ready to brew a new pot. Water was in, filter was in. I opened the Folgers can (gross) to find NOTHING. My disappointment turned to a dull rage as I rushed back to my room. Okay no coffee, at least I can have a cigarette. Again I was wrong. Babe had taken the last of our Newports to work with him. I couldn’t be mad though, he did have to work a double today. I rolled my eyes knowing that him being at work meant I was going to have to ask his dad to pick me up a pack and tell him he would get paid back when Babe got home. He agreed. He left for the store when I had a brain fart and thought “Hey I can get some money out of my change jar and go to the gas station for a Monster,” forgetting I was without a car. By the time I got ahold of his dad on the phone to ask him to get me one, he was already pulling in to the driveway. Still no caffeine, but at least I had nicotine.
After my first cigarette of the day, I decided to get started on the laundry. About halfway through the first basket of laundry, all the clothes started smelling as if they had already been worn. Mixed baskets piss me off more than I can explain to you. I hung up what was clean and took the rest of the dirty clothes to the laundry room. Pouring the remainder of the baskets in the washing machine, I came to the realization that we were out of laundry detergent! So already, I had to put off the laundry part of my to-do list. I took to cleaning up the room. I made an improvement and ruined it as I tore through the room trying to find some sheets. After about 20 minutes, I gave up. Another task to that I had no choice but to put off.
I raised my white flag. The darkness laughed triumphantly as I turned on my Xbox to drown myself in mindlessly killing fake enemies. I haven’t had a new game in months, so I just keep playing the same games over and over again hoping for a new outcome. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to think about all the stuff I wasn’t able to get accomplished today.
I made myself a “weekly goals” portion at the beginning of each week in my planner. One of my goals has been to write once a day. Something I love to do is made in to a chore just by making it a goal of my week. So when SG brought me her map, I knew I had to stop trying to escape my mind and embrace it. My daughter drew my jumbled mind by accident but she helped me more than she knows.
Just blurting out all my disappointments of the day has helped clear my mind. Just writing this post has made me realize that 1. I need to get rid of the box I keep my planner in! I’m not getting anything down in it because my subconscious is telling me to stay away from that stupid box. 2. I am capable of waking up before noon, I just need to force myself up! Continuing to let the darkness lay on top of me is NOT comfortable, so I need to get my ass up and moving. 3. Procrastinating does nothing but upset me more. I can’t fight a battle while I’m on my back not doing a damn thing.
Thanks for listening. And if you didn’t, I’ll just thank myself for being open and honest to the only audience that matters right now: Me.