That’s the only accurate term I can find to reflect how the past few days have been.
My friend K and I live about thirty minutes away from each other and neither of our houses are really places that we feel comfortable hanging out at. It’s just…awkward. She lives with her parents and well, I live with my uncle now. It just doesn’t feel like we can relax. Anyway, we decided to meet up at P’s house. He had offered to install the new car stereo I had gotten the day before and then ended up getting drunk later in the evening and stumbling and making a complete ass of himself, as always. So I was just ignoring all the messages he had been sending to me. I was cordial with him while K and I were meeting up. Then we got in my car and went to grab lunch. P ended up going bar hopping and blowing up my phone (his friend blowing K’s phone up, because he likes her). K and I were trying to have a good time and we couldn’t because we knew they were just out drinking and most likely getting angry that we weren’t really responding to them.
K and I finished eating and went to run some errands and got back to the house before the guys did. We sat in the garage and talked. When we heard the guys pull up we basically prepared ourselves for some bullshit. P spent the next two hours insulting me. Calling me every name under the book. I just sat there and let him lash out at me without saying a word. There was a time when I would have fought back and I would have had him on the ground in tears with all the terrible things I could say. But I didn’t this time. I just let him continue to make a fool of himself.
When I finally left, I realized that I was absolutely finished. He wasn’t mad because I wasn’t responding to his messages. He was mad because I’m not with him. We can’t be friends. And I knew this. I sound like a broken record because I already said I was done but truthfully, I did absolutely nothing wrong and got yelled at for two fucking hours. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I had a million apology messages. He was begging me to come over so we could have a one on one conversation about it. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I told him.
I think there is plenty to talk about, T. Please just listen to me for one second.
“Nope. This is over. We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be together. And it’s clear we can’t be anything without there being issues so we are nothing. How it should have been. How it will be.”
You just flipped the script. Everything was fine the day before. (Referring to the day he installed my stereo; He clearly forgot he was being a fucking drunk moron. The shit I’ve been trying to stay away from.
” Don’t worry about explaining yourself. Like you said last night, I said I was done with you four months ago so why am I still here?”
All I wanted to do was be cool with you and that’s all I’ve tried to do. But I can’t walk on eggshells anymore. (I laughed as I read this. Everything’s ‘cool’ until he starts getting some liquid courage and starts pissing everyone off.
This conversation is over. You said what you wanted to say to me last night. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m not going to be around you anymore. Bye.
Everything he said to me that night wasn’t anything he hasn’t said before. But all those other times I retaliated. To have someone just tear you down like that for multiple hours is almost sickening. I was so sluggish for a day or two after that. It was just a lot to have replay over in my head. I was hurt but I was more mad at myself for continuing to be around him knowing that it never ends well. I really beat myself up for doing that.
And then K went with me to get a tattoo. I’ve been wanting another one for literal years now. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I’m so pleased with what I got too! It’s Ariel and Flounder from The Little Mermaid but they’re cute looking zombies. It’s my favorite piece so far. I figured I had the extra cash and I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately.
I’ve got three tattoos now. And I realized when I was waiting to go to my appointment for this last one that I always get a tattoo in a time of transition. I guess this one marks the end of P. For real.