Tag Archives: break ups

Shit Storm

That’s the only accurate term I can find to reflect how the past few days have been.

My friend K and I live about thirty minutes away from each other and neither of our houses are really places that we feel comfortable hanging out at. It’s just…awkward. She lives with her parents and well, I live with my uncle now. It just doesn’t feel like we can relax. Anyway, we decided to meet up at P’s house. He had offered to install the new car stereo I had gotten the day before and then ended up getting drunk later in the evening and stumbling and making a complete ass of himself, as always. So I was just ignoring all the messages he had been sending to me. I was cordial with him while K and I were meeting up. Then we got in my car and went to grab lunch. P ended up going bar hopping and blowing up my phone (his friend blowing K’s phone up, because he likes her). K and I were trying to have a good time and we couldn’t because we knew they were just out drinking and most likely getting angry that we weren’t really responding to them.

K and I finished eating and went to run some errands and got back to the house before the guys did. We sat in the garage and talked. When we heard the guys pull up we basically prepared ourselves for some bullshit. P spent the next two hours insulting me. Calling me every name under the book. I just sat there and let him lash out at me without saying a word. There was a time when I would have fought back and I would have had him on the ground in tears with all the terrible things I could say. But I didn’t this time. I just let him continue to make a fool of himself.

When I finally left, I realized that I was absolutely finished. He wasn’t mad because I wasn’t responding to his messages. He was mad because I’m not with him. We can’t be friends. And I knew this. I sound like a broken record because I already said I was done but truthfully, I did absolutely nothing wrong and got yelled at for two fucking hours. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I had a million apology messages. He was begging me to come over so we could have a one on one conversation about it. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I told him.

I think there is plenty to talk about, T. Please just listen to me for one second.
“Nope. This is over. We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be together. And it’s clear we can’t be anything without there being issues so we are nothing. How it should have been. How it will be.”
You just flipped the script. Everything was fine the day before. (Referring to the day he installed my stereo; He clearly forgot he was being a fucking drunk moron. The shit I’ve been trying to stay away from.
” Don’t worry about explaining yourself. Like you said last night, I said I was done with you four months ago so why am I still here?”
All I wanted to do was be cool with you and that’s all I’ve tried to do. But I can’t walk on eggshells anymore. (I laughed as I read this. Everything’s ‘cool’ until he starts getting some liquid courage and starts pissing everyone off.
This conversation is over. You said what you wanted to say to me last night. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m not going to be around you anymore. Bye.

Everything he said to me that night wasn’t anything he hasn’t said before. But all those other times I retaliated. To have someone just tear you down like that for multiple hours is almost sickening. I was so sluggish for a day or two after that. It was just a lot to have replay over in my head. I was hurt but I was more mad at myself for continuing to be around him knowing that it never ends well. I really beat myself up for doing that.

And then K went with me to get a tattoo. I’ve been wanting another one for literal years now. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I’m so pleased with what I got too! It’s Ariel and Flounder from The Little Mermaid but they’re cute looking zombies. It’s my favorite piece so far. I figured I had the extra cash and I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

I’ve got three tattoos now. And I realized when I was waiting to go to my appointment for this last one that I always get a tattoo in a time of transition. I guess this one marks the end of P. For real.

 

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The Bad

The bad starts a few weeks ago. P and I were getting along just fine. Hanging out every now and then, working on being civil for the girls sake. Then came Valentine’s Day. He tried to ask me to spend the evening with him. He said, and I quote, “You know it’ll be fun and comfortable, besides we don’t want to have Alentine’s Ay, without the V or the D…” Does that shit work on people? It made me sick. So I laid it down for him. I told him that my mind and my heart was focused on one person, and even if I can’t have that person, I’d rather be alone than settle for something I have absolutely no interest in. He told me he understood yet didn’t understand. He told me that by me saying that, I had ruined his self worth. I told him I wasn’t going to apologize for how I felt. I have no reason to feel guilty. I can’t help how I feel. Why should he try to make feel like I’m in the wrong? He thought he had dibs on my body because used to be together. That’s not the case.

Flash forward to last week. J texts P. J is a shit talker through and through. So he, as usual, started talking shit (playfully) to P. P got offended. He started texting me telling me he fucking hates J and wants him to die and all this shit. At this point, J’s brother had gotten on the phone and was telling P off. Told P that J was the only one there for him when all his friends abandoned him. He was the only one to take him out to celebrate his birthday. Told him that he took him out to try and get his mind off of me and ended up flipping his car that night. He just ripped P a new one. P, who was drunk and angry, told me “I’m going to tell them to text me from their dad’s phone.” Their deceased father. Who hasn’t even been gone for six months. I told him not to say that. He then continued to say “Fuck him and his whole family. I hope him and his brother die the same way their dad did. They deserve it.” He then took the opportunity to talk shit to me and about my taste in men because he knows how I feel about J. I ignored his messages after he tried to bring me into it. I was at home, haven’t talked to J in about a month, and was minding my own business.

The next morning he blew my inbox up with apologies. “I was drunk and angry and didn’t mean what I said.” Now, my issue wasn’t with him trying to insult me. It was with how fucking insensitive he was. It was with how he thought he had the right to bring someone’s dead parent into a situation. He doesn’t know that pain. It’s not something you can describe to someone. He had no business saying that shit, especially when he doesn’t respect his parents to begin with! J’s dad was his best friend, P uses and abuses his father. He didn’t understand why it made me so mad. He just believed that because he said sorry, that I have to forgive him and just go back to acting like everything was normal. But this was the last straw for me. I already hadn’t really wanted to continue being around him after his continuous efforts to get me to agree to hook up with him. I am sick of his entitled attitude. He uses people then treats them like shit. Doesn’t think before he says things. And just expects everyone to stand by his side through it all. I’m not going to. So I told him exactly how I felt. Then I muted his notifications on my phone. Had I forgiven him, it would have been something new in a few days. I’m tired of the cycle and considering WE AREN’T TOGETHER ANYMORE, I have no reason to deal with it.

He then spent 45 minutes trying to convince me that J single-handedly ruined his life. “He took me out, he bought me drinks knowing I had a problem, and he still did it. He took my love. Took my ability to see the girls every day away. Took my trust away and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.” I was blown away. He has not once in the entire length of our relationship taken responsibility for his own actions. I told him the issue wasn’t with J offering to buy him drinks, it was with his lack of self control. His inability to pace himself. It wasn’t like J held a gun to his head and said “Drink or die.” He made the decision to overdrink and to make an ass out of himself. Every. Damn. Time.

Then came Tuesday. He had apparently invited over his ex-girlfriend, a girl he has spent much time complaining about because “She’s crazy & won’t leave me alone. Every time I talk to her I end up regretting it.” She gave him forty dollars after he spun her some story about how he needs gas to get to work but both him and his father are broke and can’t put gas in the truck. Then I guess later on in the afternoon, she offered him and his friend some ecstasy. So, this 26-year-old “man” who is currently feeling low in pretty much every part of his life, decided it was a good idea to do some hard drugs on a Tuesday evening. Our mutual friend was there and she called me crying. She was livid. She scared that girl off and ended up fighting with P. I sent his father a message, told him that whatever anger I had towards P was set in stone now, and not to ever speak to me again. And, if he’s lucky, he can see the girls in a few weeks. That is, if he isn’t in jail after the drug test he knew he had coming up today.

I had P and his dad blowing up my phone trying to prove to me that P wasn’t rolling. Turns out those “tabs” she gave them were vitamins. I said it doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is he took a pill with the intentions of getting fucked up. Why? Because he was sad? Because he wanted to forget? I guess all the alcohol wasn’t doing the trick. I said he needs to man the fuck up. Finally take responsibility for his life. Stop making things worse on himself. For someone who just spent time trying to convince me that his friend ruined his life, I’m wondering where J was to take place in this situation.

And with all that, I said my piece and blocked him. Then I blocked his dad’s number; Then his mom’s. I’m just done with the bullshit.

I couldn’t even find joy in my accomplishments because I was still letting him drag me down mentally. I’m glad to say not talking to him has been the best decision I’ve made since moving out.

 

My Internet

was out last night. I was dying to talk to J. In our small time spent together, we saw 2 movies, had several lunch and dinner dates, quite a few showers, and tons of time just being with each other.

The first of the 2 movies we saw was Suicide Squad. Overall, we were disappointed. But we fell in love with every single Joker/Harley Quinn scene. We felt comfortable within their (quite literally) insane and very much intense relationship. And from the moment we left the movie that day, he was my Mistah J and I was his Harley. I’m talking name changes in our phones and everything. (He was Puddin, I was Harley.) We had so much fun channeling our inner crazy. It was beautiful. The second movie was Bad Moms, which I definitely recommend. We were laughing the whole time. I love seeing his smile and I love hearing his laugh even more than that.

Anyway, to avoid blowing his phone up, I took my daily journaling time as an opportunity to write him a letter. I might share it, just because I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him.

I am doing all I can to give him breathing room. If anything happens in the future, I know it would have meant a lot that I was patient with him.

P is going to probation this afternoon. He asked me if he could pick me up so he could spend some time with me before he left. He’s not sure if he’ll be coming out of the appointment or if he’ll be going to jail. After his first revocation, he was given a bit more strict stipulations. He hasn’t met any of them. 16 hours of community service a month? Nope. Making payments on time? He hasn’t paid a single payment in at least 5 months. Not to mention the drinking, and smoking pot. I don’t even think he’s attempted to call to do some sort of check in with the probation officer.

Anyway, he picks me up after my grandma and I drop off the girls at school. I agree to hang out with him every now and again because 1. all his friends stopped coming around and 2. he has my cat. She’s basically my emotional support animal, and I couldn’t bring her to my uncle’s because his cat is an Alpha Male and, quite honestly, a huge dick. I miss her so much and you can tell how much she misses me by how she acts when I get there. She even “hugs” me goodbye when I leave. She’s so smart and so sweet. But I digress. This fool had the audacity to try and get me to have sex with him. Just straight came out with it because he “doesn’t know when he’ll be able to have sex again if he goes to jail.” I had to shut him down really quick. THERE IS NO ATTRACTION FOR HIM LEFT. I don’t understand why that’s so hard for him to understand. I’m trying to be a friend to him but I don’t know if he can just accept that at face value without trying anymore.

It made my stomach hurt.

It’s Strange

Now that I have a computer, I don’t sit on it all day long like I used to back when I was fifteen.

P has been using every excuse in the book to try and spend time with me. I just wish he would focus on bettering himself instead of trying to make sure I don’t “forget” about him.

I’m going to get my license renewed tomorrow and then my social security card replaced after that. Then hopefully I will be able to start working. Those are the only two obstacles in my way at the moment.

I miss J. Like damn do I miss him. I stop myself from sending him messages all day because I don’t want to be that crazy bitch. It’s hard knowing how strong a connection is but trying to do the right thing and give space and time that you know is needed.

I just hope I find a job soon so I don’t have to sit here with my thoughts.

I counted it up and there are currently 11 guys trying to hit on me. No. Just no.

I Had

A pretty good night last night. My friend picked me up and we just drove around and had some much needed girl talk. She did tell me that the way I talk about J kind of makes it sound like I’ve fallen for him. I don’t want to say that. I don’t even know if I’m truly capable of loving anyone besides my children. After all the storms I’ve been through, it just doesn’t make sense to me. But I can’t deny that he makes me feel more alive than I ever have before.

After talking with her, she kind of opened my eyes a bit to the situation. My mother passed away when I was 10. I’ve had many years to adjust to her loss. His father hasn’t even been gone two full months. He’s still trying to get a grip on his loss. I haven’t been putting that into perspective and have just been expecting him to interact with me like everything is normal. But nothing is normal. This is a huge transition on all ends right now. I need to be patient with him, so I’m going to be. As much as it killed me today, I didn’t send him a single message or funny picture to get him through his day. I just left him to be with himself. He’ll talk when he’s ready. That’s just how he is.

P is probably about to be in jail for a few months due to a probation revocation. It sucks because this charge is over five years old and this probation has gone on longer than it should have. I know he’s freaking out about it. But I am sort of relieved because, if he does go, that means his constant messages about how sorry he is and how he wishes he could turn back the clock will cease at least for a little while. Not to mention that he’s still trying to be sexual in between his apologies. Asking me to send him provocative pictures and shit like that. Are you kidding me?

My grandmother and I got in to an argument today. I knew things like this would happen as soon as I moved in with my uncle. She just likes to stick her nose in people’s business. It gets tiring. Plus she wants to speak to me like I’m still a child and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know she sees a lot of my mother in me and she is just trying to keep me from going down the same path, but I think I’ve shown more than enough to prove to her that I have no intentions of destroying my life like that.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. It’s refreshing to be in bed before 2 in the morning every night.

So Much Laundry

I threw all our clothes into trash bags just to make sure they made it to the house alright. I knew I was going to have to wash all of them when I got here. Little did I know, this washing machine is a little janky. It stops in soak mode and I have to go twist knobs and push on the door and all sorts of wacky stuff. So, the millions of loads of laundry that I have to do now takes just a little while longer. *Insert eye roll emoji*

On the bright side, I am finally going to rid my clothes of the horrid stench of cigarette smoke that lingers in every corner of P’s stuffy ass house. Our room was the worst of them all. Even the clean clothes in the closet reeked. I grabbed my shit, hangers and all, and threw them in bags. When I got here and started unloading, the smoke smell was almost too much for me. It’s funny how once you step foot in a clean house you can immediately tell that you probably have had more than one person turn their nose up at you due to the overbearing smoke smell that fills the air around you.

Needless to say, I pulled the clothes off the hangers and put them in with the rest of those that needed to be washed.

P has been messaging me nonstop. Telling me about all the stuff I left over at the house. Trying to get me to come back and see him ASAP. I brought all that we needed so I wouldn’t have to go back right away. I need space. He was my best friend; I don’t know who he is anymore.

J won’t text me back. I kind of figured that would be the case after P pulled the shit he did last night. I wish he would just, I don’t know, be real with me. You can’t help what you feel, right? So, if he feels something, why won’t he just tell me? It doesn’t matter either way, I’m not trying to jump in to anything serious (or at all) right this second. But if I were going to later on down the line, I would want it to be with him. I just don’t know where his head is at. Probably more focused on grieving and being there for his family; I’m just being crazy.

Moved Out Today

The past few days have been nothing short of pitiful. I wish I knew why I didn’t suck it up and leave earlier…this all could have been avoided.

Let me take you back to my confession post. Remember about his friend who spent a weekend with me? He had finally started coming around again. I think his first official return was the day before Thanksgiving. One of the biggest signs that I should have paid attention to, in terms of when I should have ended my relationship, is how alive I felt around his friend. I don’t know why or if it’s just because I was so done with my relationship already, but it truly was something I had never experienced. He inspires me almost. I don’t get it. He’s very closed up and isn’t one to show -or tell- how he feels. When he kissed me that first time, I’ll never forget what he told me. “I just thought that kissing was something you did, but I actually want to kiss you. And I don’t want to stop.” This, among other things I was told, was probably why I went away with him for the weekend. When my (at the time) boyfriend found out, the guilt that was all over his friend’s face was almost too much for me to handle. He came to my uncle’s house (the one night I stayed there before returning to the hell hole) and cried. I had never seen him so vulnerable; Not until the night he returned after the incident.

He got a call around 10 pm. It was his brother telling him that his father had passed away…the night before Thanksgiving. I could hear him bawling in the driveway. (For the sake of not confusing you, my ex will be referred to as P, his friend will be J.) P had already gotten too drunk and passed out, sleeping through J’s tears and need of a friend. I know the pain of losing a parent. I wanted to console J but I was nervous about how to go about it. How does one show that they just desperately want you to feel better without giving off the impression that I’m trying to “reignite the flame”? God knows had P come out and witnessed me on the ground next to J with even so much as a hand on his back, the whole world would have exploded in his head.

After that night, he came around a little more frequently. He was always wanting P to go do stuff with him: see a movie, go play some pool, go out to eat, whatever. While P was trying to wrap his head around the break up, I was trying to remind him that J is grieving and P was basically his only friend.

Then came New Year’s Eve. We had fireworks prepared for midnight; The girls were so excited. J, his brother, and P were all going out to eat beforehand. (J said something along the lines of “I want to eat before I start drinking,” basically advising P to do the same.) P pouted all through his dinner (yes, his free dinner that they bought him) because he “just wanted to be home with his family.” I got a call at 11:58. P was crying through his phone speaker about how sorry he was he wouldn’t be there at midnight and how they had dragged him all over the place after dinner and he just wanted to go home. I was kind of glad he wasn’t home yet; I didn’t want my first kiss of the 2017 to be with the same person I was trying so hard to get away from. Apparently J’s brother had taken it upon himself to tell P he was being a bitch, that I wasn’t worth it and that he should let me go already. This only made P angrier and caused him to drink more.

When he stumbled through the front door around 12:30 (the girls were still awake as they had been promised fireworks), he was trying to make up for being gone at midnight and picked up my youngest daughter while chanting “HAPPY NEW YEAR” at the top of his lungs. Then, he lost his footing. He came crashing down in to a hat rack/vanity by the front door, with my daughter still in his arms. He fucked his arm and his back up and had my daughter been a little more to the right than she was, her head would have been cut open. I was seething. She cried and ran to me. We went out and did the fireworks and I put my girls to bed.

J had passed out on the couch at this point. Another friend of ours had stopped by before and was still hanging out at this point. He watched and listened as P attempted to make me jealous talking about the girl he gave his number to at the bar, and how everyone is trying to “get at him.” “What you’re doing isn’t working,” he would say after P started to talk about it again. And he was right, it wasn’t working. I had been so turned off for so long already; His words really meant nothing to me.

P, who had already forgotten about hurting himself and almost hurting my daughter, looked at his hand and asked what happened. When I told him, he looked shocked and upset that he almost hurt her and took his ass to bed. He was passed out within 5 minutes. Thank God. Our other friend was blocked in by J’s car, so he asked me to wake him up. I got him up and he went to move his car to find that he had lost his keys. After about 30 minutes, our friend gave up and drove through the yard to get out of the driveway.

J smoked a cigarette with me and was being awfully flirty. I was confused, as he made it clear to me after the incident that whatever we had was finished.  Then he kissed me. Just like when he kissed me before, it felt better than I can explain. It felt right. I missed feeling his lips on mine. I was scared. I didn’t want it to stop. But we were in P’s living room and very exposed. He ended up getting a little too frisky and gave me a hickey right on the middle of my neck. I didn’t see how noticeable it was until the next morning and I spent the rest of the day trying to cover it up so P wouldn’t see. He saw it in the afternoon and in came the questions. To try and save J’s ass, I lied and said I had someone pick me up in the middle of the night. I guess I’d rather have him think I fucked some random guy instead of making out with his friend. J took him out and told me he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, to make it easier for the girls and I to pack up and get out.

J told me if P saw our messages, I would regret it. I assured him P doesn’t look at my phone or anything. Turns out, later that night, P got into J’s phone and found the messages himself. Then he promptly called me to tell me what a conniving whore I am. Funny how I’m more of a whore for kissing someone than randomly hooking up with someone.

I spent my last evening in the house being called terrible names and trying to get away from a drunken fool. I walked around in the rain for an hour, hoping he would be asleep by the time I got home. When he wasn’t, I put my headphones in and fell asleep on the couch. After all the things he said to me, he still begged me to come to bed with him so he could “hold me one last time.” I declined. He asked me how long I haven’t given a shit about him. I asked him how long was he going to continue to live his life like this.

My uncle came this morning first thing. We packed everything up in his car and left. Now I’m doing loads of laundry to get the smoke smell out of everything. Oh, and I got a laptop when I came in so you can expect somewhat longer posts from me…when I feel like it.