of crying in front of him last night. Yes, I am sad my relationship is coming to an end. This is several years of my life that I’m saying goodbye to. I had high hopes for us; I really believed we could make this work. So yes, it hurts and I want to cry. But that doesn’t mean I’m changing my mind. I am finally certain that no matter the good times we had, we are ruining each other staying together.
He took it as an opportunity to get close to me and remind me that we should enjoy the little time we have left together. While I agree, I don’t agree to the extent that he is wanting. He wants us to spend the next couple of weeks hooking up; I have no desire for that. My physical attraction to him faded when the booze intake increased. Having sex with a drunk person is different because you can see in their eyes that they aren’t really there with you. Now when I move his hands away, he apologizes. Unfortunately, he continues his attempts…every half hour or so. It really opens my eyes up and tells me I made the right choice.
Here is a man, no, a boy playing adult, that asks for confirmation that we are broken up yet finds it acceptable to keep trying to sleep with his now ex-girlfriend. Looking at the awkward situation, I guess it’s possible to misinterpret my motive to continue to live here after ending things but I have made it beyond clear that I am doing this as a favor for him. I do not want to be intimate, I just want us to enjoy time with the girls before we move on. So why, after making my intentions very clear, does he still try to get away with the touching and the obnoxious innuendos? Any other person would have broken it off and packed up and left the same night. But I am not cold or cruel, no matter how mistreated I am.
He is going to make me regret my choice to stay and I will have no other option but to leave early.
I’m so close and tiny ideas of how my life is about to change is honestly what’s getting me by.
I got an amazon gift card for my birthday (it was on the 11th, I’m 25 now🙊) and with it I got a set of three liquid lipsticks and three books, 2 of which I have been dying to read and 1 that sounded interesting. It should all be here a few days after Christmas. My sperm donor’s family and I have stayed pretty close throughout everything and his mother gave the the giftcard and has also ordered me a new planner. I told her I’d appreciate a new one to start off this new time in my life. My Happy Planner has pictures of my now ex and I all over it. It wouldn’t be good to keep around. I want a fresh start.
He is out with a friend right now. I am going to bed before he gets here so hopefully he won’t try anything.
*Fair warning, this post might be a little NSFW*
The night things ended, he wanted to have sex. “Everyone has break up sex, come on,” and I obliged because I thought it would be the last time. Mind you it was almost 5 in the morning at this point and I was more willing to do anything if it meant I could go to sleep right after.
Last night he went out with a friend after work. I was relieved because it was a little time away from his truly pitiful attitude. He spent the afternoon asking me to confirm that we really were broken up. When i said yes, he tried to convince me that we could still be together and we just needed space. I told him that I was sticking to what I had said. I was unhappy being with him. That’s just the way it is. I’m not going to pretend that we just need space from each other because it goes much deeper than that and we both know it.
Anyway, he comes home from the movie and things were fine. He was acting like we could do this just friends thing. I knew that something like that in this situation is impossible and my gut told me that too. After his friend departed, he wasted no time and began to go down on me. Whatever, I let him. We had sex but he wouldn’t get off until I told him that I loved him. It was here that I realized this sex meant the world to him when I really didn’t even care if we did it at all. I knew I had to stop because he is just going to hurt himself more.
Today, he began to initiate sex and I stopped him. I told him all he’s doing is hurting himself by continuing to do this. “No, I’m not. It’s just sex to me.” I told him it was a bad idea and we shouldn’t do it anymore. He responded by forcing his hand down my shorts. It was obvious I was tense and not reciprocating his enjoyment of what was happening but he pulled my shorts down and kept going. Fake moans came out of my mouth to try and get him to finish faster. I felt so violated.
I agreed to stay here over the winter break so the girls can enjoy Christmas with all of us together. I don’t know what I’m going to do if the next two and a half weeks are going to be like this. I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore. I am trying to move on to the next chapter.
My apologies to those of you who actually pay attention to my blog: I have been preoccupied.
I have spent the past year trying to grow with my boyfriend through our mistakes. While it has been evident that I had no plans to go out and cheat on him, it seemed he had no plan on moderating his drinking. I’ve spent the weekdays crying after getting off the phone with my girls and hearing them tell me they miss me so much and they just want to be with me. It hurts. I told him after the Christmas break, I will be moving in at my uncle’s house to be a mother to my girls. He agreed and even apologized for his selfish reaction the first time the situation was brought up.
Then he went out with his friend last night. He came home ranting and raving about a plate of food he had apparently set aside for himself to eat when he got home. Someone had eaten it. There was more of the food in the oven but that plate was his and he was pissed. His outbursts turned to personal attacks. Telling me I was lazy and bringing up my cheating. Telling me I don’t care about anyone but myself. I finally told him: “You tell me you forgive me over and over again but as the saying goes ‘Drunk minds speak sober thoughts’ and your drunk mind has made it very apparent that you don’t forgive me. Your constant questioning of who I’m talking to when I even glance at my phone during the day shows me you don’t trust me or plan to trust me anytime soon. And I can’t do this anymore.”
In came the sorry’s and the tears; I told him they didn’t mean much to me anymore. I loved him but I am not happy in this relationship. It is unhealthy. We both destroyed each other and, as it stands right now, I don’t think we will be able to build each other back up again. Who’s to say that time apart won’t allow us to take care of ourselves so maybe we can be together later on down the line. But I can’t live my life unhappy forever.
My heart hurts. My head hurts. I’m definitely frowning, but I know I’d be stuck underwater if I stay here with him.
Now it’s time to make myself better.