Tag Archives: grief

Words I Never Sent You, Part 2

My mom wasn’t the best mom. I’ve had fourteen years to come to terms with it. She was an addict. Way before I was even born, she was an addict. She couldn’t even tell me who my father was because she couldn’t remember anything about him. She stole my identity before I was even in middle school. Bought me CDs with a credit card that was in my name. Let my friends and I smoke cigarettes by the door of a hotel room that she had bought with a credit card that was, once again, in my name. I think she knew she was fucking up. I think she knew she was hurting us.

I was ten years old when I asked her why she was so angry all the time. She took my to my room in the very back of my grandmother’s house and did a few lines eight in front of me. She wanted to show me what he problem was. To scare me? I don’t know. What scared me was how she sat on the bed afterward and sang to me. She wouldn’t let me leave the room. She just made me sit there and watch her.

A couple of weeks later she showed up, banging on the back door. She had gone and gotten so fucked up that she couldn’t walk. She had collapsed on the ground and my grandma had to drag her inside and set her up against the kitchen cupboards. It was pouring rain. My grandmother said that she was just dehydrated and not to worry about it. My mother was trying to speak and she couldn’t seem to get a word out. My grandmother told her she had to leave the next day. There was a huge argument and the last time I remember seeing my mother she was yelling as she walked down the street, leaving just like my grandma had asked. Three days later she broke into my grandma’s house and took a handful of pills prescribed to her to try and frame her for murder. Not thinking about the massive amounts of meth already running through her system, she fucked herself up bad. She died on the table in the hospital.

These are the last memories I have of my mom. I have no texts from her to hold on to; Text messages weren’t even a thing yet. The last time I heard her voice, she was yelling in a voicemail telling my grandmother how terrible of a person she is for “keeping her away from her kids.” I found her jacket while cleaning out the girls’ closet a couple weeks ago. It was the first time I had held anything that was hers in over a decade.

I never wanted to be like her. Then I was 22 with two kids living with their dope fiend father and eventually partaking myself. The day I looked in the mirror and saw my mom was the day my kids got taken away from me. It was a huge slap in the face.

I could still be there but I’ve grown. I’ve moved forward. Left their dad, got my kids back, and never looked back.

I tried to build a life with someone who seemed right and turned out to be nothing like I expected. After trying to get him to listen to me, I gave up and tried another way. That was the first time I cheated on him.

When I met you, I didn’t want to cheat on him. I wanted you. I wanted to end it so we could do our own thing. But I got scared and fucked everything up.

So I’m still gonna grow and move forward towards a better version of myself. I have no need to lie anymore. Just know that.

And know that I’m here for you. I always will be. If you decide you want me around, you know where I am. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you mad. I really did want this. Want you. “The one” is a bullshit statement, if I wanted perfection I’d be holding out for a long time. We click, Mistah J. And you know it because you agreed the first time I brought it to your attention.

I know you’re out there and there’s things you gotta go through. Grief is ongoing and I didn’t want you to be as alone through it all. But if this is how you want it, then I’ll step away for you.

I’ll worry in silence from now on. I’ll miss you. I’ll be here if you ever decide you miss me.

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I Had

A pretty good night last night. My friend picked me up and we just drove around and had some much needed girl talk. She did tell me that the way I talk about J kind of makes it sound like I’ve fallen for him. I don’t want to say that. I don’t even know if I’m truly capable of loving anyone besides my children. After all the storms I’ve been through, it just doesn’t make sense to me. But I can’t deny that he makes me feel more alive than I ever have before.

After talking with her, she kind of opened my eyes a bit to the situation. My mother passed away when I was 10. I’ve had many years to adjust to her loss. His father hasn’t even been gone two full months. He’s still trying to get a grip on his loss. I haven’t been putting that into perspective and have just been expecting him to interact with me like everything is normal. But nothing is normal. This is a huge transition on all ends right now. I need to be patient with him, so I’m going to be. As much as it killed me today, I didn’t send him a single message or funny picture to get him through his day. I just left him to be with himself. He’ll talk when he’s ready. That’s just how he is.

P is probably about to be in jail for a few months due to a probation revocation. It sucks because this charge is over five years old and this probation has gone on longer than it should have. I know he’s freaking out about it. But I am sort of relieved because, if he does go, that means his constant messages about how sorry he is and how he wishes he could turn back the clock will cease at least for a little while. Not to mention that he’s still trying to be sexual in between his apologies. Asking me to send him provocative pictures and shit like that. Are you kidding me?

My grandmother and I got in to an argument today. I knew things like this would happen as soon as I moved in with my uncle. She just likes to stick her nose in people’s business. It gets tiring. Plus she wants to speak to me like I’m still a child and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know she sees a lot of my mother in me and she is just trying to keep me from going down the same path, but I think I’ve shown more than enough to prove to her that I have no intentions of destroying my life like that.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. It’s refreshing to be in bed before 2 in the morning every night.