Tag Archives: love

Words I Never Sent You

Remember when you said my texts were the highlight of your day at work? ‘Cause I was either just being a dick or sending you funny stuff. I want to go back to that. All I want is to make your day a little better.

I’ve gathered some knowledge on what type of person you are, and it seems easier for you to just shut everyone out. Fine. I get it. And I’ll let you shut me out for as long as you want but i’m not going to deny that I still feel more connected to you than I probably should. Even when you won’t talk to me.

Remember when you got excited because you finally had someone to go to the movies with? I had a plan to ask you to go to the movies last weekend. I was gonna pay and everything because, let’s get real, you spent hundreds of dollars on me in one weekend. I owe you. But I bitched out and didn’t ask you because I figured you’d ignore me.

I don’t think highly of myself in any way so please know I don’t say this to make myself look great or desirable, but I have been approached nonstop by guys since everyone found out I was single. I have shot them all down and even deactivated my Facebook so I didn’t have to associate with anyone. I don’t want to spend time with random fucking people, I want to spend time with you. I would rather sit in silence while you give me angry looks than spend time with shit people. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way you got me feeling when you kiss me. And I still don’t know why I feel like that. 

I want you in my life so much it scared me. But I don’t care. If anything were to come of it just know I am fully aware that fucking you over would most likely result in me getting shot. I’d let you though.

Full body armor and all, I’m waiting for you to come back around. Just know that.

We met on 5/5 last year. It was awkward because you came in for a hug and I moved away. I probably did that because I had just spent about ten minutes taking you in and acknowledging that I was deeply interested in you. I knew it was going to be trouble for me then. Look at me now! Hopelessly optimistic that I’ll get to see you again yet aware you’re stubborn enough to make me wait forever if you wanted.

I fucked up, I know this. I would do anything to get a real opportunity to show you thatI’m not as terrible as my actions made me out to be.

I’ll stop now. I just want you to know that even though I’ve tried, I can’t stop myself from wanting you around. I’d like to believe that somewhere WAY, WAY, WAY deep down, you kinda want me around too.

 

Written three days before “the incident” where you believed I was trying to manipulate you with a little help from my friend. Why would I express my willingness to wait just to ask someone to jump in the middle?

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Talkin’ 2 Myself

I’ve been in a serious Eminem mood lately. Probably because it helps me connect to not only my mom but to J as well. I don’t give music enough credit. It really helps.

I don’t know if I said anything about it, but I actually saw J last week. My best, and probably my only friend, was trying to be sneaky and sent him a text message. All she said was hi, but as soon as I caught on I begged her to stop because it was going to piss him off once he finds out her and I are always together. He’ll feel like he’s being tricked. He caught on immediately. He didn’t text her back until the next day, but he called her out and asked her what kind of “treacherous shit” she was on. She actually owed him $20, so she used that as an excuse for her message. It was funny actually, he responded with “If I ever expected to get money back that I gave people, I wouldn’t have ever given money to P.”

Then she went rogue, again, and this conversation took place:

“Okay but seriously if there’s anything I can do let me know. T too, I know she cares a lot.”
Haha, I knew it! But if you guys wanna chill, come on. 

He wanted us to meet up with him at restaurant he was at. What we didn’t know is that he had been sitting there drinking since he had gotten off work at 4. It was easily almost 7 at this point. I told my friend I wanted to stop at home and change and fix my face and whatnot. You know, girl stuff. So we agreed to regroup and meet up within the hour. Her phone died. He called me and told me they asked him to leave because he had been drinking and hadn’t ordered anything to eat for hours. He told me to meet him at a Chili’s close by. My friend’s phone finally came back on and she called me and we decided that I would go ahead and meet him and she would come shortly after.

It was a pretty good drive from my house to where he was. He was very intoxicated. He was being funny and not completely mean though. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was outside smoking a cigarette and motioning for me to go away. I flipped him off and walked out the front door as his brother was walking up. We smoked and I listened to his brother bitch about a shitty teacher he has to deal with at school. We went back inside and my friend was already on her way and telling me to wait before we went anywhere. I walked up to the bar after getting off the phone with her and his brother was standing in between to chairs so I went on the farthest side and sit down. J was bullshitting with the bartender and his brother was actually asking me how life was going. “So much better, honestly.” Same here, he said, It’s amazing how much you can get done when you’re not smoking dope. He went on to tell me about how he works during the day and goes to school in the evenings. His face did look a bit fuller. I told him I was proud of him. And I am. My only issue with his ass was that he’s an addict who got a second chance and started to fuck it up. But I think his dad dying and having to move back in with his mom did him some good.

Chili’s was closing and J and his brother were telling me before we go do anything else they have to drop off their dad’s truck at the house. I said fine, but we have to wait for her to get here. J was getting annoyed (because he had been drinking since the middle of the afternoon), and his brother chilled him out by saying he needs to smoke a cigarette anyway and he can’t smoke in the truck. Then we started jamming out. She pulled up about halfway through our cigarettes. We finished smoking and she got in my car so we could follow them to their house. It was less than ten minutes away. But by the time we got there, J was ready to go in and go to sleep. He said he had to work in the morning and wasn’t going anywhere.

So we left. I texted him.
“Really?”
Look, that wasn’t intentional. But it sucks bein manipulated, don’t it?
“J, I swear to you, I told her to leave it alone. I had nothing to do with that.”
Yeah, and the sky ain’t blue.
“You think I didn’t learn my lesson the last time? I’d rather wait it out than actually ask someone to interfere. Just tell me what I need to do to get you to understand that all I ever want is to do right by you. I fucked up once and I knew I never wanted to do it again.”

And that was it. I assume he passed out after that. My friend felt guilty about starting all this, and swore she would make it right. She apologized to him, for that among other things she had done to him recently when she wasn’t doing too well. She didn’t take into account that just because she was doing good now doesn’t change the fact that she was shitty to him and he was very well still pissed about it. They talked and reconciled.

We talked too. I told him if he wants me to step away, then I will. I told him not to forget that I know how it is to grieve, and my mother wasn’t the best when I look back at it. He told me he wasn’t grieving and “there’s nothing to worry about, so quit with that shit.” He told me he’s leaving his past where it is, and that we can be friends. That he isn’t mad at me.

So I’m moving forward. I still have a small amount of optimism that somewhere down the line, we might be pulled back together. I’m just gonna put it all to bad timing.

Either way, I’m done dating for a while. I wanted him. Still do. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking that “getting back out there” will make things better. Plus, I hate pretty much all people. Why would I want to try to meet new people when I can just work on a better me?

I’m sad, but I’m not as sad as I thought I would be.

It is what it is.

*If you read all of this, I love you.*

Merry Christmas To All

My somber attitude toward life was paused this morning as the girls ran into our bedroom and told us Santa had visited. Their faces were so full of joy; They didn’t even mind that we couldn’t get them as much as we wanted. 

His parents got me a pair of boots similar to a pair I had pointed out online. I am very happy with them.

He got me a journal (I’m sort of a collector) and a basket that, for now, will hold my new journal and all my new books. After the girls and I have moved, I’ll either fill it with my planner supplies or my makeup; I haven’t decided yet. I know he loves me. He’s just so in denial about the end of our relationship that he’s being, for lack of a better word, kind of creepy. Either way, Christmas morning was better than expected.  

Now, to get the girls ready for their second Christmas with another set of grandparents.