Tag Archives: me

A Small, Possibly Meaningless Update 

Earlier today I rambled on about my lack of motivation to do, well, anything at all. After logging off the computer, I snuck back in to my room and immediately logged on to Overwatch. Endlessly going through game after game gets so repetitive it truly feels as if I could go through a couple rounds with my eyes shut. I finally told myself enough times that I wasn’t actually having fun and turned my game off. 

I decided to tackle my planner issue. Why should something as minimal as a box have a hold on my ability to be a more productive person? I LOVE my Happy Planner and, when I actually make a habit of planning, I get shit done with it! I opened up to the start of this upcoming week and got started. I’m more of a day-by-day planner, it gives me time every day to release a little creativity and productivity. I have made it a weekly goal to be up by 8:30 every morning. If by some miracle my poor excuse of a car decides to start up without any issue, I want to be up early enough to get the girls to school. (I say school but they are too young. It’s a daycare that will transition in to school up until 3rd grade, and then they will be entering the public school system.) This is going to be tough. My depression is full force in the morning. This is the time I feel the heaviest. 

Mondays are for new beginnings. I want this to be the week I finally change for the better. I hope that by blogging about this journey, I have found another means of accountability for myself. 

The beginning of my week via my Happy Planner. Notice my reminder to post my open letter tomorrow. Also in the shot: my heart-shaped basket I told you about, complete with my 12 rolls of washi tape (sad, I know) and in the corner you can see part of the infamous box that has frightened me away from my planning. Not anymore! How silly of me to be saddened by a box. 

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Starting Tomorrow

To make sure that I write at least once a day, I am going to begin an “open letter” challenge tomorrow. I might do more than one in a day (if I feel like it). I have been trying to be an active blogger for several years now, but motivation comes and goes as often as my mood swings. I figure this will open my heart and my mind to get back in to the swing of writing daily, something I haven’t done since I graduated high school.

Anyway, here’s the list in case anyone else would like to participate! I found it on Pinterest.

open-letter-challenge

Shit My Daughters Do (Part 1 of ??)

Let me just start off by saying I absolutely LOVE my girls. At five and four years old, they are two of the most beautiful little girls I have ever laid eyes on. SL, my little freckle-faced diva, can already work her way around a smart phone and is always ready to take center stage for new guests. SG has such dark curls and beautiful blue eyes that really just pop out at you. You will almost always see her with an animal of some sort, either of the stuffed or living variety. All adorable aside, my daughters also do some crazy shit. Whether it’s hilarious, disgusting, over-the-top dramatic, or just plain pitiful, mama will always have a story to tell. 

Tonight’s story is a little gross and kinda funny. As I’m sure a lot of parents (if not all) can relate, my daughters LOVE taking frequent trips to the bathroom when we are out to eat. My kids, probably unlike yours, enjoy bathrooms too much. They literally compare all the bathrooms we go in to and one of the first questions asked about a new place is “Do they have bathrooms there?” Weird, I know. The strangest part is this: when we are out and about, the girls argue over who gets to flush the toilet. It’s almost a boxing match every time and I really cannot wrap my head around it. 

I wish that were the end of the weirdness. At home , SG seems to forget that toilets even have to be flushed. All throughout the day we will go to the bathroom and be greeted with turds when we lift up the toilet seat. I just don’t get it! I guess I should just  be grateful that we are past pooping in our pants.

And this concludes the first of many tales of the shit my daughters do.

Drowning

Depression is a hassle. I thought I had taken control of my illness, but over the past year I’ve felt it dancing around me, laughing as it pushes me down. I’ve practiced breathing to control my outbursts and mental breakdowns. I’ve tried to make life a little less messy and more put together by purchasing a “Life Planner” and while I’m enjoying the creative aspect of said planner, I can’t manage to make a plan every day. Even on the good days where I fill out my schedule with great detail, I feel as if I’m pointlessly planning. It’s embarrassing to make a to-do list just to have most items on the list put off for another day.

I lost my job a few weeks ago. To be fair, it was my fault that I lost it. I stopped showing up after my full time hours were cut by over half. My paycheck didn’t even cover the amount of gas my poor car was guzzling to make it back and forth to the office every day. My boyfriend kept telling me it wasn’t worth it and I should just quit. My orange monster of a car was starting to overheat every day and even died on me while I was on my way home a few times, causing me to need a rescue ride. I really didn’t want to leave this job. It was the most enjoyable job I had had in quite a while. My first legitimately set schedule meant I never had to worry about what shift I would be working on this week and whether or not I would be able to make it to the girls’ class parties this year. After I made the decision that this job wasn’t worth it anymore, my depression decided to take even more control. I think I was unemployed for two weeks before I decided to start looking for another job. I just kept reminding myself how tough it’s going to be to find a good job like this one.

I can’t get myself to sleep until after 1 in the morning. I set an alarm for 9 every morning and find myself hitting the snooze button until after 12 pm. Every night I tell myself “Okay, tomorrow is the day I get it together,” and the following day I find myself snoozing the day away until Babe finally makes me get up.
I look around at my cramped, messy room and cringe knowing full well I need to clean it up yet I am lacking the motivation to do so. To everyone around me I’m too lazy and no one understands why. The frustration is evident on Babe’s face when he comes home from a shift to an unmade bed and 3 baskets full of laundry that could be clean, could be dirty, could be both. Even though he won’t say anything to me, I know I should be doing a much better job around the house (especially while I don’t have a job).

My parenting is really lacking too. The girls are getting more screen time than they should be. With my car being more of an inconvenience than anything at the moment, I haven’t been able to take them to school every day. When I ask my two closest- in terms of distance- relatives to help me out with rides for me girls I always get one of two responses: “I am out of town for work” from one and “You know I don’t drive outside of my city” from the other. Yet, at the end of the week, when it has been discovered that I only got the girls to school for two out of the five weekdays, I am hit with reminders of how important their education is and how I should be taking this seriously. Between not having a job and not having a reliable car, I’m about to go crazy with these girls.

Living with my boyfriend’s parents is getting to me as well. Some part of me feels as if our relationship won’t be able to flourish as long as we continue to rely on the help of them. No bills means no reason to budget our money. Get paid one day, spend all the cash by the next. Most people take opportunities like these to save money for a place of their own. We talk about it but I never see any action taken. I am in no way solely putting this blame on him either; I am just as guilty. I guess I am really over this rut we seem to be in and I hope he is too.

I guess I just needed to get some stuff of my chest. I created this blog as an outlet and I haven’t been using it as one. I guess that’s mainly because the only computer we have is in the livingroom and privacy is something of a myth in this house.

I am ready to push this depression out from on top of me. I just wish I knew where to begin.