Depression is a hassle. I thought I had taken control of my illness, but over the past year I’ve felt it dancing around me, laughing as it pushes me down. I’ve practiced breathing to control my outbursts and mental breakdowns. I’ve tried to make life a little less messy and more put together by purchasing a “Life Planner” and while I’m enjoying the creative aspect of said planner, I can’t manage to make a plan every day. Even on the good days where I fill out my schedule with great detail, I feel as if I’m pointlessly planning. It’s embarrassing to make a to-do list just to have most items on the list put off for another day.
I lost my job a few weeks ago. To be fair, it was my fault that I lost it. I stopped showing up after my full time hours were cut by over half. My paycheck didn’t even cover the amount of gas my poor car was guzzling to make it back and forth to the office every day. My boyfriend kept telling me it wasn’t worth it and I should just quit. My orange monster of a car was starting to overheat every day and even died on me while I was on my way home a few times, causing me to need a rescue ride. I really didn’t want to leave this job. It was the most enjoyable job I had had in quite a while. My first legitimately set schedule meant I never had to worry about what shift I would be working on this week and whether or not I would be able to make it to the girls’ class parties this year. After I made the decision that this job wasn’t worth it anymore, my depression decided to take even more control. I think I was unemployed for two weeks before I decided to start looking for another job. I just kept reminding myself how tough it’s going to be to find a good job like this one.
I can’t get myself to sleep until after 1 in the morning. I set an alarm for 9 every morning and find myself hitting the snooze button until after 12 pm. Every night I tell myself “Okay, tomorrow is the day I get it together,” and the following day I find myself snoozing the day away until Babe finally makes me get up.
I look around at my cramped, messy room and cringe knowing full well I need to clean it up yet I am lacking the motivation to do so. To everyone around me I’m too lazy and no one understands why. The frustration is evident on Babe’s face when he comes home from a shift to an unmade bed and 3 baskets full of laundry that could be clean, could be dirty, could be both. Even though he won’t say anything to me, I know I should be doing a much better job around the house (especially while I don’t have a job).
My parenting is really lacking too. The girls are getting more screen time than they should be. With my car being more of an inconvenience than anything at the moment, I haven’t been able to take them to school every day. When I ask my two closest- in terms of distance- relatives to help me out with rides for me girls I always get one of two responses: “I am out of town for work” from one and “You know I don’t drive outside of my city” from the other. Yet, at the end of the week, when it has been discovered that I only got the girls to school for two out of the five weekdays, I am hit with reminders of how important their education is and how I should be taking this seriously. Between not having a job and not having a reliable car, I’m about to go crazy with these girls.
Living with my boyfriend’s parents is getting to me as well. Some part of me feels as if our relationship won’t be able to flourish as long as we continue to rely on the help of them. No bills means no reason to budget our money. Get paid one day, spend all the cash by the next. Most people take opportunities like these to save money for a place of their own. We talk about it but I never see any action taken. I am in no way solely putting this blame on him either; I am just as guilty. I guess I am really over this rut we seem to be in and I hope he is too.
I guess I just needed to get some stuff of my chest. I created this blog as an outlet and I haven’t been using it as one. I guess that’s mainly because the only computer we have is in the livingroom and privacy is something of a myth in this house.
I am ready to push this depression out from on top of me. I just wish I knew where to begin.