Tag Archives: relationships

My Internet

was out last night. I was dying to talk to J. In our small time spent together, we saw 2 movies, had several lunch and dinner dates, quite a few showers, and tons of time just being with each other.

The first of the 2 movies we saw was Suicide Squad. Overall, we were disappointed. But we fell in love with every single Joker/Harley Quinn scene. We felt comfortable within their (quite literally) insane and very much intense relationship. And from the moment we left the movie that day, he was my Mistah J and I was his Harley. I’m talking name changes in our phones and everything. (He was Puddin, I was Harley.) We had so much fun channeling our inner crazy. It was beautiful. The second movie was Bad Moms, which I definitely recommend. We were laughing the whole time. I love seeing his smile and I love hearing his laugh even more than that.

Anyway, to avoid blowing his phone up, I took my daily journaling time as an opportunity to write him a letter. I might share it, just because I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him.

I am doing all I can to give him breathing room. If anything happens in the future, I know it would have meant a lot that I was patient with him.

P is going to probation this afternoon. He asked me if he could pick me up so he could spend some time with me before he left. He’s not sure if he’ll be coming out of the appointment or if he’ll be going to jail. After his first revocation, he was given a bit more strict stipulations. He hasn’t met any of them. 16 hours of community service a month? Nope. Making payments on time? He hasn’t paid a single payment in at least 5 months. Not to mention the drinking, and smoking pot. I don’t even think he’s attempted to call to do some sort of check in with the probation officer.

Anyway, he picks me up after my grandma and I drop off the girls at school. I agree to hang out with him every now and again because 1. all his friends stopped coming around and 2. he has my cat. She’s basically my emotional support animal, and I couldn’t bring her to my uncle’s because his cat is an Alpha Male and, quite honestly, a huge dick. I miss her so much and you can tell how much she misses me by how she acts when I get there. She even “hugs” me goodbye when I leave. She’s so smart and so sweet. But I digress. This fool had the audacity to try and get me to have sex with him. Just straight came out with it because he “doesn’t know when he’ll be able to have sex again if he goes to jail.” I had to shut him down really quick. THERE IS NO ATTRACTION FOR HIM LEFT. I don’t understand why that’s so hard for him to understand. I’m trying to be a friend to him but I don’t know if he can just accept that at face value without trying anymore.

It made my stomach hurt.


It’s Strange

Now that I have a computer, I don’t sit on it all day long like I used to back when I was fifteen.

P has been using every excuse in the book to try and spend time with me. I just wish he would focus on bettering himself instead of trying to make sure I don’t “forget” about him.

I’m going to get my license renewed tomorrow and then my social security card replaced after that. Then hopefully I will be able to start working. Those are the only two obstacles in my way at the moment.

I miss J. Like damn do I miss him. I stop myself from sending him messages all day because I don’t want to be that crazy bitch. It’s hard knowing how strong a connection is but trying to do the right thing and give space and time that you know is needed.

I just hope I find a job soon so I don’t have to sit here with my thoughts.

I counted it up and there are currently 11 guys trying to hit on me. No. Just no.

Last Night

Well, really all of yesterday, I was on a productive roll. I finally caught up with the laundry (and what a relief that was!), filled out my Habit Tracker (though I haven’t successfully completed all habits in a day yet…practice makes perfect), cleaned up the kitchen, and probably had a pot of decent coffee for the first time in over three years. It’s so strange being here at my uncle’s house; I feel like I need to be doing something, anything productive at all times. I guess that’s a good thing.

I’ve woken up by 8 so far and gotten the girls ready for school and made breakfast. My goal is to be up by 7:30 so we aren’t rushing to get everything done. Now, if only I could get to sleep before midnight.

I began watching Lucifer on Hulu. It’s quite humorous.

J finally texted me back. We’ve been bullshitting most of the day. I’m just happy to be speaking to him.

P, on the other hand, won’t leave me alone. My phone and my Facebook is getting blown up with all his notifications and all the times he tells me he misses me and he’s sorry and blahblahblah. Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. All his posts on Facebook are depressing. I’m considering deactivating mine for a bit just so I don’t have to deal with him.

So Much Laundry

I threw all our clothes into trash bags just to make sure they made it to the house alright. I knew I was going to have to wash all of them when I got here. Little did I know, this washing machine is a little janky. It stops in soak mode and I have to go twist knobs and push on the door and all sorts of wacky stuff. So, the millions of loads of laundry that I have to do now takes just a little while longer. *Insert eye roll emoji*

On the bright side, I am finally going to rid my clothes of the horrid stench of cigarette smoke that lingers in every corner of P’s stuffy ass house. Our room was the worst of them all. Even the clean clothes in the closet reeked. I grabbed my shit, hangers and all, and threw them in bags. When I got here and started unloading, the smoke smell was almost too much for me. It’s funny how once you step foot in a clean house you can immediately tell that you probably have had more than one person turn their nose up at you due to the overbearing smoke smell that fills the air around you.

Needless to say, I pulled the clothes off the hangers and put them in with the rest of those that needed to be washed.

P has been messaging me nonstop. Telling me about all the stuff I left over at the house. Trying to get me to come back and see him ASAP. I brought all that we needed so I wouldn’t have to go back right away. I need space. He was my best friend; I don’t know who he is anymore.

J won’t text me back. I kind of figured that would be the case after P pulled the shit he did last night. I wish he would just, I don’t know, be real with me. You can’t help what you feel, right? So, if he feels something, why won’t he just tell me? It doesn’t matter either way, I’m not trying to jump in to anything serious (or at all) right this second. But if I were going to later on down the line, I would want it to be with him. I just don’t know where his head is at. Probably more focused on grieving and being there for his family; I’m just being crazy.

Moved Out Today

The past few days have been nothing short of pitiful. I wish I knew why I didn’t suck it up and leave earlier…this all could have been avoided.

Let me take you back to my confession post. Remember about his friend who spent a weekend with me? He had finally started coming around again. I think his first official return was the day before Thanksgiving. One of the biggest signs that I should have paid attention to, in terms of when I should have ended my relationship, is how alive I felt around his friend. I don’t know why or if it’s just because I was so done with my relationship already, but it truly was something I had never experienced. He inspires me almost. I don’t get it. He’s very closed up and isn’t one to show -or tell- how he feels. When he kissed me that first time, I’ll never forget what he told me. “I just thought that kissing was something you did, but I actually want to kiss you. And I don’t want to stop.” This, among other things I was told, was probably why I went away with him for the weekend. When my (at the time) boyfriend found out, the guilt that was all over his friend’s face was almost too much for me to handle. He came to my uncle’s house (the one night I stayed there before returning to the hell hole) and cried. I had never seen him so vulnerable; Not until the night he returned after the incident.

He got a call around 10 pm. It was his brother telling him that his father had passed away…the night before Thanksgiving. I could hear him bawling in the driveway. (For the sake of not confusing you, my ex will be referred to as P, his friend will be J.) P had already gotten too drunk and passed out, sleeping through J’s tears and need of a friend. I know the pain of losing a parent. I wanted to console J but I was nervous about how to go about it. How does one show that they just desperately want you to feel better without giving off the impression that I’m trying to “reignite the flame”? God knows had P come out and witnessed me on the ground next to J with even so much as a hand on his back, the whole world would have exploded in his head.

After that night, he came around a little more frequently. He was always wanting P to go do stuff with him: see a movie, go play some pool, go out to eat, whatever. While P was trying to wrap his head around the break up, I was trying to remind him that J is grieving and P was basically his only friend.

Then came New Year’s Eve. We had fireworks prepared for midnight; The girls were so excited. J, his brother, and P were all going out to eat beforehand. (J said something along the lines of “I want to eat before I start drinking,” basically advising P to do the same.) P pouted all through his dinner (yes, his free dinner that they bought him) because he “just wanted to be home with his family.” I got a call at 11:58. P was crying through his phone speaker about how sorry he was he wouldn’t be there at midnight and how they had dragged him all over the place after dinner and he just wanted to go home. I was kind of glad he wasn’t home yet; I didn’t want my first kiss of the 2017 to be with the same person I was trying so hard to get away from. Apparently J’s brother had taken it upon himself to tell P he was being a bitch, that I wasn’t worth it and that he should let me go already. This only made P angrier and caused him to drink more.

When he stumbled through the front door around 12:30 (the girls were still awake as they had been promised fireworks), he was trying to make up for being gone at midnight and picked up my youngest daughter while chanting “HAPPY NEW YEAR” at the top of his lungs. Then, he lost his footing. He came crashing down in to a hat rack/vanity by the front door, with my daughter still in his arms. He fucked his arm and his back up and had my daughter been a little more to the right than she was, her head would have been cut open. I was seething. She cried and ran to me. We went out and did the fireworks and I put my girls to bed.

J had passed out on the couch at this point. Another friend of ours had stopped by before and was still hanging out at this point. He watched and listened as P attempted to make me jealous talking about the girl he gave his number to at the bar, and how everyone is trying to “get at him.” “What you’re doing isn’t working,” he would say after P started to talk about it again. And he was right, it wasn’t working. I had been so turned off for so long already; His words really meant nothing to me.

P, who had already forgotten about hurting himself and almost hurting my daughter, looked at his hand and asked what happened. When I told him, he looked shocked and upset that he almost hurt her and took his ass to bed. He was passed out within 5 minutes. Thank God. Our other friend was blocked in by J’s car, so he asked me to wake him up. I got him up and he went to move his car to find that he had lost his keys. After about 30 minutes, our friend gave up and drove through the yard to get out of the driveway.

J smoked a cigarette with me and was being awfully flirty. I was confused, as he made it clear to me after the incident that whatever we had was finished.  Then he kissed me. Just like when he kissed me before, it felt better than I can explain. It felt right. I missed feeling his lips on mine. I was scared. I didn’t want it to stop. But we were in P’s living room and very exposed. He ended up getting a little too frisky and gave me a hickey right on the middle of my neck. I didn’t see how noticeable it was until the next morning and I spent the rest of the day trying to cover it up so P wouldn’t see. He saw it in the afternoon and in came the questions. To try and save J’s ass, I lied and said I had someone pick me up in the middle of the night. I guess I’d rather have him think I fucked some random guy instead of making out with his friend. J took him out and told me he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, to make it easier for the girls and I to pack up and get out.

J told me if P saw our messages, I would regret it. I assured him P doesn’t look at my phone or anything. Turns out, later that night, P got into J’s phone and found the messages himself. Then he promptly called me to tell me what a conniving whore I am. Funny how I’m more of a whore for kissing someone than randomly hooking up with someone.

I spent my last evening in the house being called terrible names and trying to get away from a drunken fool. I walked around in the rain for an hour, hoping he would be asleep by the time I got home. When he wasn’t, I put my headphones in and fell asleep on the couch. After all the things he said to me, he still begged me to come to bed with him so he could “hold me one last time.” I declined. He asked me how long I haven’t given a shit about him. I asked him how long was he going to continue to live his life like this.

My uncle came this morning first thing. We packed everything up in his car and left. Now I’m doing loads of laundry to get the smoke smell out of everything. Oh, and I got a laptop when I came in so you can expect somewhat longer posts from me…when I feel like it.

Part Two 

Of his birthday celebration went like this:

His dad got paid today and offered to buy beer and food for him to make. Then our mutual friend through a job we both had asked if we were doing anything to celebrate. He told me to invite her and her boyfriend over and, of course, to bring beer. It was actually chilly tonight and awfully windy, but he wanted to make dinner on the new fire pit his dad got for Christmas. After suffering through the cold, we went in and I’m almost positive the only people who ate were my girls and I. 

After we ate, he asked me to drive to the gas station and get cigarettes. When I stepped outside, another friend was pulling up. With more beer. We all hung out for a while, his eyes more glassy every minute. I got a call from another friend around eleven; he was headed this way to celebrate. He walked through the door about fifteen minutes later with his new/old girlfriend on his hip and a 12 pack in his hands. Not to mention the 15 pack that he sent me back to the store to get, after convincing his mom to get him some beer…as long as he didn’t drive.

Everyone had left around midnight, save for one straggler who is passed out on the couch. By this time, he was stumbling around and texted me asking to get in the shower with him. I declined. He got upset but went in the shower anyway. After a few minutes, I heard what was clearly someone throwing up. I went in to check on him. He always takes showers with the lights off, it’s so strange. I turned the light on and he was still hurling from what I could hear. I pulled back the curtain to find him sitting down in the shower, half asleep, covered in vomit. The smell (and sight) was absolutely revolting. 

I went to the room and grabbed a few towels. I returned to the bathroom and had to slap him fully awake. “Get the fuck up, clean yourself up, and get in bed.”

“I HATE MY LIFE!” I heard him yell as I walked out of the bathroom. 

All the sadness I felt last night was gone. He reminded me tonight why I’m leaving.