Tag Archives: ugh

Anxious

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that my anxiety had been through the roof this past week. My nails, that I polish on purpose so they’ll grow long, have been bitten down so far that some of my fingers are bleeding. I bit through the nail and that polish and I really didn’t care about how awful the taste was. Typing on this computer is actually hurting my fingers because they’re so sore. I just repolished them in hopes that they’ll grow quickly and it’ll take attention off the cuticle wounds.

My face, only the right side, has been breaking out. I’ve had the past couple of days off so I haven’t put any makeup on hoping my face will clear up. I’ve got mountains on the side of my face, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to mess with them. It’ll just make my face worse.

I’m sure at some point I let you guys know that my girls’ biological father was put in jail. That took place on this past Black Friday. Possession of a controlled substance, theft, criminal trespassing, and credit card abuse. About a month ago, he was released. He was given time served, from what I had been told, and was moving in with his father so he would be able to travel with him to work. I received this message from him at the beginning of the week:

I’m writing verbatim, so please excuse the typos and/or lack of punctuation.

“I wanted to apologize for our past I don’t expect the same from u but I want u to know I don’t like the person I was nor would I ever want my daughters to know me as that person or follow in those footsteps. I did a lot of thinking in jail this last time n I want you to know that the things I did were wrong very wrong n even though I’ve said sorry before I think u deserve a genuine sober apology for once”

I was taken aback. I responded as politely and as honestly as I could.
I appreciate that. Never thought I’d ever actually get a sober apology honestly. It probably comes as no surprise that I have to keep my guard way up for now. 

And then I asked him what his plans were. I figured now that he has had some time to actually be sober and clear headed, he might actually have a vision for his future.

“I actually really enjoy how I feel sober I have my confidence back I’m in the best shape of my life. I actually have ambitions n goals n not just that but they’re clear as day. N I really want to be the right influence to my girls they are getting old enough now to know. N I don’t ever want them to see the evils I have seen. I’m living with my parents right now so I can save my money n pay my child support down. I heard about u n P. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorta going through something similar but I’m leavin it in God’s hands. But I hope your ok?”

I told him I’m fine but I really didn’t want to get in to it.

Then I got invited to a mutual friend’s daughter’s birthday party. I asked if he was going to be there, because I didn’t think I was ready to actually be in the same vicinity as him. Having my first somewhat civil conversation with him was one thing but actually being face to face with him after everything we went through would take some preparing for. She told me no, he was out on the oil field for work, and that I better be there. Her daughter was turning four and our girls get along well, I just try to keep my distance because I never knew if he was going to pop up.

Anyway, I get to the party and the girls immediately go out in the backyard to play. I see two kids that belonged to other mutual friends we had back before everything went to shit. Let’s just say, at one point they were my friends, but drugs change everything. Towards the end, they weren’t the people I had known, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So when I saw their kids, I felt my heart drop.

“Oh yeah, S & C are going to be here in a little bit. They said they’re running late. I hope that’s alright. I meant to tell you earlier but I was so busy trying to get everything ready for the party.”

I just nodded. What was I supposed to do? I always already here. Just suck it up for a couple hours of discomfort. I was here for a sweet, innocent child’s birthday. I just had to remind myself of that. The girls were having so much fun, it’s not like I could leave.

They actually showed up way later. They looked much better than the last time I saw them. I could see that they had cleaned up, but it was also apparent that the drug abuse had done some damage to his face before he had quit. Can it be permanently sunken in after consuming so much meth? That’s what it looked like.

They hugged me, said it was good to see me. Wanted to talk up the girls’ father. Talked about how great it was to see him in this mindset. Something none of us thought we would see. They told me about how much better their lives have been. How they’re finally finished dealing with CPS and how she’s got her dream job and he’s loving life as a stay-at-home dad.

My trust with these people has been gone for almost five years. But they did look much better and so much happier. I’m aware that people can change, it’s just hard to see that during your first encounter with someone following traumatic events. I saw them and I flashed back to being in my old apartment surrounded by so much pain and addiction.

After we left the party, I cried softly in the car on the way home. I made sure the girls couldn’t tell that I was crying, but I had to let something out. It was a lot for my heart and my mind to process. A lot to happen in less than a week. People from your dark past showing up all at once can take a toll on you.

I am still hoping for the best for all of them. Hoping they stay clean and out of trouble. Hoping that the girls never have to ask questions about where their dad is or what he’s doing. Hoping they never ask me why he doesn’t want to see them. Hoping he’ll be there for them. Finally.

Better late than never, right?

Words I Never Sent You, Part 2

My mom wasn’t the best mom. I’ve had fourteen years to come to terms with it. She was an addict. Way before I was even born, she was an addict. She couldn’t even tell me who my father was because she couldn’t remember anything about him. She stole my identity before I was even in middle school. Bought me CDs with a credit card that was in my name. Let my friends and I smoke cigarettes by the door of a hotel room that she had bought with a credit card that was, once again, in my name. I think she knew she was fucking up. I think she knew she was hurting us.

I was ten years old when I asked her why she was so angry all the time. She took my to my room in the very back of my grandmother’s house and did a few lines eight in front of me. She wanted to show me what he problem was. To scare me? I don’t know. What scared me was how she sat on the bed afterward and sang to me. She wouldn’t let me leave the room. She just made me sit there and watch her.

A couple of weeks later she showed up, banging on the back door. She had gone and gotten so fucked up that she couldn’t walk. She had collapsed on the ground and my grandma had to drag her inside and set her up against the kitchen cupboards. It was pouring rain. My grandmother said that she was just dehydrated and not to worry about it. My mother was trying to speak and she couldn’t seem to get a word out. My grandmother told her she had to leave the next day. There was a huge argument and the last time I remember seeing my mother she was yelling as she walked down the street, leaving just like my grandma had asked. Three days later she broke into my grandma’s house and took a handful of pills prescribed to her to try and frame her for murder. Not thinking about the massive amounts of meth already running through her system, she fucked herself up bad. She died on the table in the hospital.

These are the last memories I have of my mom. I have no texts from her to hold on to; Text messages weren’t even a thing yet. The last time I heard her voice, she was yelling in a voicemail telling my grandmother how terrible of a person she is for “keeping her away from her kids.” I found her jacket while cleaning out the girls’ closet a couple weeks ago. It was the first time I had held anything that was hers in over a decade.

I never wanted to be like her. Then I was 22 with two kids living with their dope fiend father and eventually partaking myself. The day I looked in the mirror and saw my mom was the day my kids got taken away from me. It was a huge slap in the face.

I could still be there but I’ve grown. I’ve moved forward. Left their dad, got my kids back, and never looked back.

I tried to build a life with someone who seemed right and turned out to be nothing like I expected. After trying to get him to listen to me, I gave up and tried another way. That was the first time I cheated on him.

When I met you, I didn’t want to cheat on him. I wanted you. I wanted to end it so we could do our own thing. But I got scared and fucked everything up.

So I’m still gonna grow and move forward towards a better version of myself. I have no need to lie anymore. Just know that.

And know that I’m here for you. I always will be. If you decide you want me around, you know where I am. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make you mad. I really did want this. Want you. “The one” is a bullshit statement, if I wanted perfection I’d be holding out for a long time. We click, Mistah J. And you know it because you agreed the first time I brought it to your attention.

I know you’re out there and there’s things you gotta go through. Grief is ongoing and I didn’t want you to be as alone through it all. But if this is how you want it, then I’ll step away for you.

I’ll worry in silence from now on. I’ll miss you. I’ll be here if you ever decide you miss me.

Shit My Daughters Do

On today’s installment, I’d like to rant just a little bit. All week long my girls will fight going to bed each night. My alarm, usually set for 7:30 (and snoozed til 7:45), still goes off before the girls even get out of bed most weekdays. This is usually because they’ve argued with me and given me every excuse in the book to get out of going to bed that by the time they fall asleep it’s close to 10pm. 

So, today is Saturday. A day commonly acknowledged as the day one gets to sleep in. No school, no alarm. I was so foolish to believe my girls would abide by that. They were up and running around (not to mention “talk-yelling”) AT 6:45 THIS MORNING. 

WHY? JUST….WHY? 

I’m on my 500th cup of coffee, they’re on second breakfast and I’m about to lose my mind with how hyper they are.  

Thanks girls for reversing your sleep habits FOR THE WEEKEND. 

New Girl

has got to be one of my favorite shows. I can watch it over and over again and not get tired. Their group reminds me of people in my life. Jess reminds me of myself sometimes. Just socially awkward enough to be attractive to some and keep friends around. Not afraid to have feelings and express them, no matter what kind of trouble it may get me in to. J has aspects similar to Nick. Mostly angry, hates people and doesn’t trust them worth a damn. Closed up but very clearly having all sorts of emotion running through him at any given moment. He won’t let anyone in but every now and then, Jess pushes her way through. She’s always got his back.

I watched 2 episodes today. The first one was where Nick accidentally bruised Jess’ jaw while they were at a Home Depot type store. The whole time they were at the store, she was trying to stop herself from feeling attracted to Nick who was doing oddly attractive things looking somewhat like a macho man picking up chains and big pipes and shit. After they got back from the store and the hospital, Jess is all loopy on painkillers and admits that she wants to sleep with him. Then, Nick asks her about it the next day and they get in to a small argument before they start aggressively making out/insulting each other, leading to Nick smashing the hell out of a fish tank. The next episode, Nick’s father dies and Jess does all in her power to help him and make the funeral planning go as smoothly as possible…which is tortuous considering Nick’s out of control family.

All I could think of is how similar this is to J and I. And it couldn’t have been coincidence that these are the episodes that came on. I can’t get him out of my head. Do you see what I mean when I feel like God is laughing at me up above. Just sprinkling little reminders of what I have been so close to having.

His birthday is Sunday. I’m going to tell him Happy Birthday. I don’t expect a response.

Funny Status

I posted after the dogs kept barking at me. I had someone, a friend of a friend, request me as a Facebook friend and immediately hit me with a “compliment” of how great my cleavage looks in my profile picture. What? Anyway, I’ve totaled up about 16 guys who have tried to hit on me since I announced my ended relationship . It’s disgusting.

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I hope they get the point.