Tag Archives: whatever

2 Drafts

Over the past two days. I’ve been wanting to write and update on my life, but I just haven’t really found the words. Eventually, I just give up and close the window.

I gave K the opportunity a little over a week ago to explain herself. She had been texting me nonstop, begging for a chance to redeem herself because, and I quote, “You (as in me) have been nothing but a good friend to me, please give me the chance to reciprocate that.” So I picked her up and we drove around to talk. As soon as she got in the car, she was thanking me and apologizing to me all at once. She was bawling her eyes out as she confessed how deeply she had been fucking up. She wasn’t lying just to me, she was lying to everyone closest to her, and she was lying to herself. She was hurting her friends and her family and she was hating herself more as she continued to make terrible choices.

Then she asked me to help her. She said she knows she’s better than this and she can see that I know she’s better than this.  I took her to my house for a few days to get away from the shitty people she had been hanging around and so she had time to recuperate before she had to face the music and talk to her father about everything that had been going on. I watched her get clear-headed for the first time in what must have been a month at least. I talked to her and shared in her excitement to finally be moving forward. And I told her, sternly, that I will only help her out as long as I continue to see this mindset from her.

I’m still trying to allow myself to trust her completely, but all things take time. She is the best friend I’ve had in a while and, if we’re being honest, I’ve been fucked over worse by people who got second chances they sure as hell didn’t deserve. I just draw the line from now on, I won’t be forgiving if anything like this happens again.

Work has been insane. Out of nowhere, I started feeling tensions rise between the front desk and the back. One of the therapists we had gave us her two week notice and the last few days she was here, she got into it with my assistant manager. They were in the break room screaming at each other. It was so unprofessional. I guess after that therapist left, she decided she was going to stir up more shit and called the owner of our store to divulge information about the assistant manager. This information she revealed led to my assistant manager getting fired. Which has led to me being the most knowledgeable about the front desk (aside from the store manager), which means I’ve been working nonstop. Good for my wallet, but I haven’t been given a raise or anything though and the longer I stay here, the more I see how chaotic and unpleasant the environment tends to be. Maybe if I get more money, I can look past it.

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Words I Never Sent You

Remember when you said my texts were the highlight of your day at work? ‘Cause I was either just being a dick or sending you funny stuff. I want to go back to that. All I want is to make your day a little better.

I’ve gathered some knowledge on what type of person you are, and it seems easier for you to just shut everyone out. Fine. I get it. And I’ll let you shut me out for as long as you want but i’m not going to deny that I still feel more connected to you than I probably should. Even when you won’t talk to me.

Remember when you got excited because you finally had someone to go to the movies with? I had a plan to ask you to go to the movies last weekend. I was gonna pay and everything because, let’s get real, you spent hundreds of dollars on me in one weekend. I owe you. But I bitched out and didn’t ask you because I figured you’d ignore me.

I don’t think highly of myself in any way so please know I don’t say this to make myself look great or desirable, but I have been approached nonstop by guys since everyone found out I was single. I have shot them all down and even deactivated my Facebook so I didn’t have to associate with anyone. I don’t want to spend time with random fucking people, I want to spend time with you. I would rather sit in silence while you give me angry looks than spend time with shit people. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way you got me feeling when you kiss me. And I still don’t know why I feel like that. 

I want you in my life so much it scared me. But I don’t care. If anything were to come of it just know I am fully aware that fucking you over would most likely result in me getting shot. I’d let you though.

Full body armor and all, I’m waiting for you to come back around. Just know that.

We met on 5/5 last year. It was awkward because you came in for a hug and I moved away. I probably did that because I had just spent about ten minutes taking you in and acknowledging that I was deeply interested in you. I knew it was going to be trouble for me then. Look at me now! Hopelessly optimistic that I’ll get to see you again yet aware you’re stubborn enough to make me wait forever if you wanted.

I fucked up, I know this. I would do anything to get a real opportunity to show you thatI’m not as terrible as my actions made me out to be.

I’ll stop now. I just want you to know that even though I’ve tried, I can’t stop myself from wanting you around. I’d like to believe that somewhere WAY, WAY, WAY deep down, you kinda want me around too.

 

Written three days before “the incident” where you believed I was trying to manipulate you with a little help from my friend. Why would I express my willingness to wait just to ask someone to jump in the middle?

He

has this little journal; It’s part work orders, part rhymes he’s written. He’s got this talent I’ll never forget. I know we could make something beautiful if we worked together. He was my reminder and my inspiration to pick up a pen after so many years of forgetting that I could write. I wrote this for him today, after waking up in my room that undoubtedly reminds me of him. It isn’t too great, kinda cheesy. But I was trying to say something without just writing him a letter. Whether he ever reads it or not is beside the point.

I don’t want your money, baby.
Don’t want you to try and save me.
I just want you next to me,
No one else I’d rather see.

You can call me names
Yeah, call me stupid,
Selfish, lame, and somewhat wounded.

Be mean to me,
I know you love it.
You know I can take it,
Won’t be above it.

I’d let you hurt me,
Til I can’t breathe no more,
If that’s what it takes,
To settle this score.

I won’t say I love you,
‘Cause “love is evol,”
But I will say I want you,
It’s time for a refill.

He wouldn’t actually hurt me, but yeah. I know he’d get what I meant if he read it. But I wrote this because I said I would give him his space. I’m really, really lame.