Tag Archives: mental health

I officially have one friend. 

It’s J. I don’t talk to him every day ’cause he’s not that type of person but it’s just him and my girls in my life now. 

K fucked me over. I had been spending so much time driving around and hanging out with her and she ended up lying to me and stealing my debit card. I locked it and ordered a new one. I’m done with people. 

I deleted my Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook for good. I don’t want anyone knowing my life or what I’m up to anymore. 

J actually wanted to hang out yesterday but I had to work. I told him about K and he just said he hopes that I learned a lesson about trusting people and that nobody is special. He’s right. I was dumb. I could sense she had been lying to me about stuff but because I want to believe people are good, I looked past it. I should have known better. 

Here’s to a lonely life. Better than continuing to get fucked over. 

Shit Storm

That’s the only accurate term I can find to reflect how the past few days have been.

My friend K and I live about thirty minutes away from each other and neither of our houses are really places that we feel comfortable hanging out at. It’s just…awkward. She lives with her parents and well, I live with my uncle now. It just doesn’t feel like we can relax. Anyway, we decided to meet up at P’s house. He had offered to install the new car stereo I had gotten the day before and then ended up getting drunk later in the evening and stumbling and making a complete ass of himself, as always. So I was just ignoring all the messages he had been sending to me. I was cordial with him while K and I were meeting up. Then we got in my car and went to grab lunch. P ended up going bar hopping and blowing up my phone (his friend blowing K’s phone up, because he likes her). K and I were trying to have a good time and we couldn’t because we knew they were just out drinking and most likely getting angry that we weren’t really responding to them.

K and I finished eating and went to run some errands and got back to the house before the guys did. We sat in the garage and talked. When we heard the guys pull up we basically prepared ourselves for some bullshit. P spent the next two hours insulting me. Calling me every name under the book. I just sat there and let him lash out at me without saying a word. There was a time when I would have fought back and I would have had him on the ground in tears with all the terrible things I could say. But I didn’t this time. I just let him continue to make a fool of himself.

When I finally left, I realized that I was absolutely finished. He wasn’t mad because I wasn’t responding to his messages. He was mad because I’m not with him. We can’t be friends. And I knew this. I sound like a broken record because I already said I was done but truthfully, I did absolutely nothing wrong and got yelled at for two fucking hours. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I had a million apology messages. He was begging me to come over so we could have a one on one conversation about it. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I told him.

I think there is plenty to talk about, T. Please just listen to me for one second.
“Nope. This is over. We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be together. And it’s clear we can’t be anything without there being issues so we are nothing. How it should have been. How it will be.”
You just flipped the script. Everything was fine the day before. (Referring to the day he installed my stereo; He clearly forgot he was being a fucking drunk moron. The shit I’ve been trying to stay away from.
” Don’t worry about explaining yourself. Like you said last night, I said I was done with you four months ago so why am I still here?”
All I wanted to do was be cool with you and that’s all I’ve tried to do. But I can’t walk on eggshells anymore. (I laughed as I read this. Everything’s ‘cool’ until he starts getting some liquid courage and starts pissing everyone off.
This conversation is over. You said what you wanted to say to me last night. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m not going to be around you anymore. Bye.

Everything he said to me that night wasn’t anything he hasn’t said before. But all those other times I retaliated. To have someone just tear you down like that for multiple hours is almost sickening. I was so sluggish for a day or two after that. It was just a lot to have replay over in my head. I was hurt but I was more mad at myself for continuing to be around him knowing that it never ends well. I really beat myself up for doing that.

And then K went with me to get a tattoo. I’ve been wanting another one for literal years now. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I’m so pleased with what I got too! It’s Ariel and Flounder from The Little Mermaid but they’re cute looking zombies. It’s my favorite piece so far. I figured I had the extra cash and I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

I’ve got three tattoos now. And I realized when I was waiting to go to my appointment for this last one that I always get a tattoo in a time of transition. I guess this one marks the end of P. For real.

 

Anxious

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that my anxiety had been through the roof this past week. My nails, that I polish on purpose so they’ll grow long, have been bitten down so far that some of my fingers are bleeding. I bit through the nail and that polish and I really didn’t care about how awful the taste was. Typing on this computer is actually hurting my fingers because they’re so sore. I just repolished them in hopes that they’ll grow quickly and it’ll take attention off the cuticle wounds.

My face, only the right side, has been breaking out. I’ve had the past couple of days off so I haven’t put any makeup on hoping my face will clear up. I’ve got mountains on the side of my face, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to mess with them. It’ll just make my face worse.

I’m sure at some point I let you guys know that my girls’ biological father was put in jail. That took place on this past Black Friday. Possession of a controlled substance, theft, criminal trespassing, and credit card abuse. About a month ago, he was released. He was given time served, from what I had been told, and was moving in with his father so he would be able to travel with him to work. I received this message from him at the beginning of the week:

I’m writing verbatim, so please excuse the typos and/or lack of punctuation.

“I wanted to apologize for our past I don’t expect the same from u but I want u to know I don’t like the person I was nor would I ever want my daughters to know me as that person or follow in those footsteps. I did a lot of thinking in jail this last time n I want you to know that the things I did were wrong very wrong n even though I’ve said sorry before I think u deserve a genuine sober apology for once”

I was taken aback. I responded as politely and as honestly as I could.
I appreciate that. Never thought I’d ever actually get a sober apology honestly. It probably comes as no surprise that I have to keep my guard way up for now. 

And then I asked him what his plans were. I figured now that he has had some time to actually be sober and clear headed, he might actually have a vision for his future.

“I actually really enjoy how I feel sober I have my confidence back I’m in the best shape of my life. I actually have ambitions n goals n not just that but they’re clear as day. N I really want to be the right influence to my girls they are getting old enough now to know. N I don’t ever want them to see the evils I have seen. I’m living with my parents right now so I can save my money n pay my child support down. I heard about u n P. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorta going through something similar but I’m leavin it in God’s hands. But I hope your ok?”

I told him I’m fine but I really didn’t want to get in to it.

Then I got invited to a mutual friend’s daughter’s birthday party. I asked if he was going to be there, because I didn’t think I was ready to actually be in the same vicinity as him. Having my first somewhat civil conversation with him was one thing but actually being face to face with him after everything we went through would take some preparing for. She told me no, he was out on the oil field for work, and that I better be there. Her daughter was turning four and our girls get along well, I just try to keep my distance because I never knew if he was going to pop up.

Anyway, I get to the party and the girls immediately go out in the backyard to play. I see two kids that belonged to other mutual friends we had back before everything went to shit. Let’s just say, at one point they were my friends, but drugs change everything. Towards the end, they weren’t the people I had known, and I wanted nothing to do with them. So when I saw their kids, I felt my heart drop.

“Oh yeah, S & C are going to be here in a little bit. They said they’re running late. I hope that’s alright. I meant to tell you earlier but I was so busy trying to get everything ready for the party.”

I just nodded. What was I supposed to do? I always already here. Just suck it up for a couple hours of discomfort. I was here for a sweet, innocent child’s birthday. I just had to remind myself of that. The girls were having so much fun, it’s not like I could leave.

They actually showed up way later. They looked much better than the last time I saw them. I could see that they had cleaned up, but it was also apparent that the drug abuse had done some damage to his face before he had quit. Can it be permanently sunken in after consuming so much meth? That’s what it looked like.

They hugged me, said it was good to see me. Wanted to talk up the girls’ father. Talked about how great it was to see him in this mindset. Something none of us thought we would see. They told me about how much better their lives have been. How they’re finally finished dealing with CPS and how she’s got her dream job and he’s loving life as a stay-at-home dad.

My trust with these people has been gone for almost five years. But they did look much better and so much happier. I’m aware that people can change, it’s just hard to see that during your first encounter with someone following traumatic events. I saw them and I flashed back to being in my old apartment surrounded by so much pain and addiction.

After we left the party, I cried softly in the car on the way home. I made sure the girls couldn’t tell that I was crying, but I had to let something out. It was a lot for my heart and my mind to process. A lot to happen in less than a week. People from your dark past showing up all at once can take a toll on you.

I am still hoping for the best for all of them. Hoping they stay clean and out of trouble. Hoping that the girls never have to ask questions about where their dad is or what he’s doing. Hoping they never ask me why he doesn’t want to see them. Hoping he’ll be there for them. Finally.

Better late than never, right?

Well, it’s 12:30 (Random Ramblings)

and I’m feeling accomplished in the productivity department despite not being scheduled to work today. (My mind is forever on the money!)

I took a shower, tidied up my room, folded a large pile of the girls’ clothes that I’ve been neglecting, and just threw my laundry in the dryer. I feel like I’m always needing my clothes in the washing machine because I’ve only got one shirt for work. That bitch cost me $30, I’m gonna stick with the one until I absolutely need to get another.

It’s been about two months since I deactivated my Facebook and I have no desire to reactivate. I have a new phone now too so the app isn’t right in my face. I don’t feel like I’m really missing out on anything. Those that need to get ahold of me have my phone number. It has cut down significantly on the bullshit I let in my life.

I don’t feel like I’m isolating myself by just focusing on a better me. I’ve learned less is more as you get older, and I’m starting to see that having no one to talk to most of the time is better than having a hundred “friends” only interested in what you say so they can let others know of your struggles.

I can probably say I have two friends at the moment. One moved 16 hours away; We don’t talk as much as we used to but we’ve been through thick and thin since 4th grade. I know she’s not going anywhere. She’s just enjoying her life as a wife…something she always wanted. My other friend is actually talking about us getting a place later on in the year. While I appreciate what my uncle is doing for the girls and I by letting us stay here, I can’t help but feel like a permanent guest. It makes it hard to call this place home.

Trust in the timing. Everything will fall into place.

Talkin’ 2 Myself

I’ve been in a serious Eminem mood lately. Probably because it helps me connect to not only my mom but to J as well. I don’t give music enough credit. It really helps.

I don’t know if I said anything about it, but I actually saw J last week. My best, and probably my only friend, was trying to be sneaky and sent him a text message. All she said was hi, but as soon as I caught on I begged her to stop because it was going to piss him off once he finds out her and I are always together. He’ll feel like he’s being tricked. He caught on immediately. He didn’t text her back until the next day, but he called her out and asked her what kind of “treacherous shit” she was on. She actually owed him $20, so she used that as an excuse for her message. It was funny actually, he responded with “If I ever expected to get money back that I gave people, I wouldn’t have ever given money to P.”

Then she went rogue, again, and this conversation took place:

“Okay but seriously if there’s anything I can do let me know. T too, I know she cares a lot.”
Haha, I knew it! But if you guys wanna chill, come on. 

He wanted us to meet up with him at restaurant he was at. What we didn’t know is that he had been sitting there drinking since he had gotten off work at 4. It was easily almost 7 at this point. I told my friend I wanted to stop at home and change and fix my face and whatnot. You know, girl stuff. So we agreed to regroup and meet up within the hour. Her phone died. He called me and told me they asked him to leave because he had been drinking and hadn’t ordered anything to eat for hours. He told me to meet him at a Chili’s close by. My friend’s phone finally came back on and she called me and we decided that I would go ahead and meet him and she would come shortly after.

It was a pretty good drive from my house to where he was. He was very intoxicated. He was being funny and not completely mean though. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was outside smoking a cigarette and motioning for me to go away. I flipped him off and walked out the front door as his brother was walking up. We smoked and I listened to his brother bitch about a shitty teacher he has to deal with at school. We went back inside and my friend was already on her way and telling me to wait before we went anywhere. I walked up to the bar after getting off the phone with her and his brother was standing in between to chairs so I went on the farthest side and sit down. J was bullshitting with the bartender and his brother was actually asking me how life was going. “So much better, honestly.” Same here, he said, It’s amazing how much you can get done when you’re not smoking dope. He went on to tell me about how he works during the day and goes to school in the evenings. His face did look a bit fuller. I told him I was proud of him. And I am. My only issue with his ass was that he’s an addict who got a second chance and started to fuck it up. But I think his dad dying and having to move back in with his mom did him some good.

Chili’s was closing and J and his brother were telling me before we go do anything else they have to drop off their dad’s truck at the house. I said fine, but we have to wait for her to get here. J was getting annoyed (because he had been drinking since the middle of the afternoon), and his brother chilled him out by saying he needs to smoke a cigarette anyway and he can’t smoke in the truck. Then we started jamming out. She pulled up about halfway through our cigarettes. We finished smoking and she got in my car so we could follow them to their house. It was less than ten minutes away. But by the time we got there, J was ready to go in and go to sleep. He said he had to work in the morning and wasn’t going anywhere.

So we left. I texted him.
“Really?”
Look, that wasn’t intentional. But it sucks bein manipulated, don’t it?
“J, I swear to you, I told her to leave it alone. I had nothing to do with that.”
Yeah, and the sky ain’t blue.
“You think I didn’t learn my lesson the last time? I’d rather wait it out than actually ask someone to interfere. Just tell me what I need to do to get you to understand that all I ever want is to do right by you. I fucked up once and I knew I never wanted to do it again.”

And that was it. I assume he passed out after that. My friend felt guilty about starting all this, and swore she would make it right. She apologized to him, for that among other things she had done to him recently when she wasn’t doing too well. She didn’t take into account that just because she was doing good now doesn’t change the fact that she was shitty to him and he was very well still pissed about it. They talked and reconciled.

We talked too. I told him if he wants me to step away, then I will. I told him not to forget that I know how it is to grieve, and my mother wasn’t the best when I look back at it. He told me he wasn’t grieving and “there’s nothing to worry about, so quit with that shit.” He told me he’s leaving his past where it is, and that we can be friends. That he isn’t mad at me.

So I’m moving forward. I still have a small amount of optimism that somewhere down the line, we might be pulled back together. I’m just gonna put it all to bad timing.

Either way, I’m done dating for a while. I wanted him. Still do. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking that “getting back out there” will make things better. Plus, I hate pretty much all people. Why would I want to try to meet new people when I can just work on a better me?

I’m sad, but I’m not as sad as I thought I would be.

It is what it is.

*If you read all of this, I love you.*

I’m the worst

I’m content most of the time. Things are looking up, why shouldn’t I be? I think I have too much emotion for J. Not that I can help who I am. But for someone so keen on blocking out emotion, I’m probably a lot to handle. 

I have a good job. I have a car. I have a roof over my head. Everything else will fall in to place? So why do I feel so heavy still? I do and don’t understand. 

I’ve been considering really just keeping to myself. I don’t feel like I really have any friends (except for one, and even then I get wushu washy vibes). And I mean, as you get older, less is more right? 

My mind is a mess and it’s pissing me off. Wanting to be here for someone who is used to no one genuinely caring about him is hurting me more than anything. I keep setting myself on fire to try and keep others warm. I can’t stop myself. I just want to give out the love I wish someone would give back to me. Just once. 

Fuck. I guess I need to be alone. 

Trying

To be more positive. I’ve got a job & a car. Everything else will fall into place. 

Trying not to push J away. I miss him so. I think I’m gonna give him until the day I met him a year ago to make up his mind. Then I have to let go, for my sake. All I know is if I can’t have him then I don’t want anybody. Not for a while. 

I had a good, long day at work. The owner really likes me. Told my manager to give me more hours. So it looks like I won’t be part time for much longer! 

So ready for a steady paycheck. 

I was going to write out some memories of my mom today. She’s been on my mind quite a bit.  I’m just too tired to really dive in to that tonight.